It's been a year now since I started blogging. Time for something new, don't you think?
http://walmartyear.blogspot.com/
Finally got my newest project up and running (sorta). Took me a while to finish that first post. And it's a beast of a thing. Much too long. But I'm excited for something new (and with a specific direction).
I'll probably be updating mostly there, at least for a while. With school, SoS, Walker Park Community Garden and all that other stuff I keep committing myself to, I prolly won't have time to think about the trivial happenings of my day to day existence. Just in relation to Walmart. Oh boy.
So follow me on the new site, if you please.
TIME FOR SWEET SLEEP.
19 January 2011
14 January 2011
all dead white boys say god is good
My grandfather passed away on Monday morning, after weeks in the hospital, failing organs, too many wires and too little sunshine. I found out by overhearing my mom cancel a doctor's appointment on the phone while I was half asleep. I can't say I was surprised, but still. My grandfather is dead, meaning now there isn't the slightest chance that he will ever beat the odds and be able to walk again, or be able to travel, or be able to live the life that was taken from him in 2004. He was stricken with Guillian-Barre Syndrome three months after his son, my uncle David, was killed in a motorcycle accident. It seems like it's been nothing but pain and stress for my family since that August. The sadness I'm feeling right now is more for them, my mother and aunts and my grandmother, who has been killing herself for years taking care of Papa and is now alone. I'm also sad because for a third of my life, my grandfather spent life in a chair, in his living room, with fucking Fox News as his only connection to the outside world. His mind was still here but he never kept up conversation. Our interaction consisted of a hug and kiss when we would arrive and leave their house, with clips of small talk in between. Papa received a doctorate in Entomology and did a lot of field research. He was president of his college's theatre club. He knew so much, but I never got the chance to talk to him about it. And now I never will.
Today, I watched the episode of As Told By Ginger entitled "Losing Nana Bishop". Dodie, one of Ginger's bffs, loses her grandmother, and it causes Ginger to consider the relationship she had with her grandmother. I remember originally watching this when I was a member of the show's primary demographic, probably 11 or 12. I remember thinking how weird it was that Ginger only had one grandparent, and only when she was really little, because I've always had all 4. I never considered how weird it was that, in the show, the grandmother's funeral was held on a boat. Papa's was quiet, at his and Nana's church, the same one where my parents were married. It was a pretty short event. I had never considered the proper way to structure a funeral. My only first-hand experiences with them were too long ago to remember, so my expectations were based off of movies or tv shows. I hate how often that happens. Anyway, no one spoke at Papa's except for the minister. There scripture were readings and recitations, two hymns, this annoying sermon part where the pastor tried to liken Papa's life to this metaphoric idea of a craftsman, and then a viewing. Probably the saddest thing I've ever seen is my mother and aunts gathered around my Nana, staring at Papa in his casket.
I cried a lot. Not because I felt sorry for myself. I cried for my Nana and my mother and the death of a dream at normalcy. And because we were at a goddamn funeral, and funerals are sad. I really tried not to cry so much, but I couldn't help it.
We ate way too much sugar and bready things and then caravanned to Cabot to lay him beside his parents and his infant daughter, Debbie. The way the cemetery is set up we weren't able to see him physically laid in the ground, but some official did say something, and we laid flowers on his casket.
When we got back to Nana's house in Russellville, everyone was frantic. My aunt Libby had been given Papa's wedding ring, and she had lost it. Nana thought we were looking for a cell phone. It was a really anxious time. We were crawling around looking under everything, in trash cans, inside chairs and bags and cars. My family had to go back to Fayetteville to get Eddie back for practice, and right as we got on the highway, we got word that Nana had had it all along.
I don't know what happens next. I'm afraid of what will happen when everyone leaves and Nana is left alone with only the house she and Papa built together.
Today, I watched the episode of As Told By Ginger entitled "Losing Nana Bishop". Dodie, one of Ginger's bffs, loses her grandmother, and it causes Ginger to consider the relationship she had with her grandmother. I remember originally watching this when I was a member of the show's primary demographic, probably 11 or 12. I remember thinking how weird it was that Ginger only had one grandparent, and only when she was really little, because I've always had all 4. I never considered how weird it was that, in the show, the grandmother's funeral was held on a boat. Papa's was quiet, at his and Nana's church, the same one where my parents were married. It was a pretty short event. I had never considered the proper way to structure a funeral. My only first-hand experiences with them were too long ago to remember, so my expectations were based off of movies or tv shows. I hate how often that happens. Anyway, no one spoke at Papa's except for the minister. There scripture were readings and recitations, two hymns, this annoying sermon part where the pastor tried to liken Papa's life to this metaphoric idea of a craftsman, and then a viewing. Probably the saddest thing I've ever seen is my mother and aunts gathered around my Nana, staring at Papa in his casket.
I cried a lot. Not because I felt sorry for myself. I cried for my Nana and my mother and the death of a dream at normalcy. And because we were at a goddamn funeral, and funerals are sad. I really tried not to cry so much, but I couldn't help it.
We ate way too much sugar and bready things and then caravanned to Cabot to lay him beside his parents and his infant daughter, Debbie. The way the cemetery is set up we weren't able to see him physically laid in the ground, but some official did say something, and we laid flowers on his casket.
When we got back to Nana's house in Russellville, everyone was frantic. My aunt Libby had been given Papa's wedding ring, and she had lost it. Nana thought we were looking for a cell phone. It was a really anxious time. We were crawling around looking under everything, in trash cans, inside chairs and bags and cars. My family had to go back to Fayetteville to get Eddie back for practice, and right as we got on the highway, we got word that Nana had had it all along.
I don't know what happens next. I'm afraid of what will happen when everyone leaves and Nana is left alone with only the house she and Papa built together.
01 January 2011
breathe!
the air is new! It's 2011, right, so everything is different?
I'm not much of a believer in that sort of thing, but I have felt a renewal of sorts. Not just from the changing date, but in several ways. Relationships, interactions, communication and appreciation.
I've come to terms with a lot of aspects of my life that I'm unhappy with. With which I am unhappy. BLehH. But I'm trying to work on the things that I can change. That's the best I can do, right?
My mom comes home today. She's been gone a lot lately, in Hot Springs at the hospital with Papa. I only saw her briefly on Christmas, at the hospital, in IHOP, and then in the motel room where we opened gifts. I'm just glad my whole family could be together, even if it was cut short a bit. It meant so much to Nana for us to be there. I am still puling for a recovery. It doesn't look good, at all, but he's being moved today to a new long-term care facility. Right before the bowel blockage that appeared a few weeks ago, he was getting so much better. At Thanksgiving, he walker-ed himself from the front door to a chair, something unprecedented in the 6 years he's been paralyzed. He was lucid and seemed to even be enjoying himself a little bit. I can't help but keep hoping. He is Nana's whole life, literally. I can't imagine what would happen to her if he were to pass. Maybe it is his time, but I'm still upset that a stupid vaccine ruined their lives. I'm not okay with him dying like this. I want him to beat it. I want them to be able to spend their savings on travel, the way they always planned. They've worked hard their whole lives, buried two children, and then this awful disease. I think they deserve to catch a break.
In other news, I leave for Chicago TOMORROW! I'm so excited. I've never been there. It seems like an exciting city. It will be really good to catch up with GA national friends and see where Pete goes to school. And there will be snow! I'm sure I won't think it's as novel after a few days but as of now I'm pumped.
This year was interesting. Weird that it's over. But it is. Time time time. It never fails to freak me the hell out.
I'm not much of a believer in that sort of thing, but I have felt a renewal of sorts. Not just from the changing date, but in several ways. Relationships, interactions, communication and appreciation.
I've come to terms with a lot of aspects of my life that I'm unhappy with. With which I am unhappy. BLehH. But I'm trying to work on the things that I can change. That's the best I can do, right?
My mom comes home today. She's been gone a lot lately, in Hot Springs at the hospital with Papa. I only saw her briefly on Christmas, at the hospital, in IHOP, and then in the motel room where we opened gifts. I'm just glad my whole family could be together, even if it was cut short a bit. It meant so much to Nana for us to be there. I am still puling for a recovery. It doesn't look good, at all, but he's being moved today to a new long-term care facility. Right before the bowel blockage that appeared a few weeks ago, he was getting so much better. At Thanksgiving, he walker-ed himself from the front door to a chair, something unprecedented in the 6 years he's been paralyzed. He was lucid and seemed to even be enjoying himself a little bit. I can't help but keep hoping. He is Nana's whole life, literally. I can't imagine what would happen to her if he were to pass. Maybe it is his time, but I'm still upset that a stupid vaccine ruined their lives. I'm not okay with him dying like this. I want him to beat it. I want them to be able to spend their savings on travel, the way they always planned. They've worked hard their whole lives, buried two children, and then this awful disease. I think they deserve to catch a break.
In other news, I leave for Chicago TOMORROW! I'm so excited. I've never been there. It seems like an exciting city. It will be really good to catch up with GA national friends and see where Pete goes to school. And there will be snow! I'm sure I won't think it's as novel after a few days but as of now I'm pumped.
This year was interesting. Weird that it's over. But it is. Time time time. It never fails to freak me the hell out.
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