overwhelmedover

My grandpa will probably die on Saturday.

He's been dying for 6 years.


I'm unsure about how to feel right now.

NO STUDY NO STUDY akbkl;ekl;wl.s.s..s.s

all this beauty

Oh where do my bluebird fly?

Great, great weekend. The best in a long while.

Went out dancing with the girls. As in, ballroom dancing class at the Union wif my roommate and our neighbors.


That's me and Ezra, one of the nicest partners I had. We were both pretty new, but he was willing to figure out the dances we didn't know! I really appreciated that. His friend took this.

Then Mary, Holly, and I went to Common Grounds and just sat and had fancy drinks and watched the night life. And then, while we were walking back, Tyler Scogin came to the rescue like always except I totally thought he was some leering creep at first. But he wasn't. We all went back to pomfret and watched DANNY PHANTOM episodes. Netflix FTW. There are like 53 or something. We can watch all of them. I think Mary is an even bigger nerd about that show than I am, which is awesome. Both the show and her love of it.

And den Saturday was weird and static but the night, ooohhhh the night. Cody Davis and I roamed the dark streets, and happened on purpose upon an obsure indie hole in the wall called Big Momma's. But really, no one knows that place exists, even though it's right off the busiest street in Fayetteville. Cody works there, and we had a blast dancing and laughing while we helped our new friend Kelly close up shop. It's an up and coming after-hours dance hall. Tell your (hipster) friends.

Then Cody and I kicked back at my place with too much caffeine and Chelsea James. We all watched Food, Inc. I think they're now vegetarians. It was so nice to have people get as angry and energetic as I did when I first started learning about all of the shitty secrets of the food industry. I got to vent and they got to be excited and they're both really excited to get involved with SoS. :D

And now I have finals...... that I should be studying for right now..............but I helped my family decorate yesterday, which was nice. Scott was in not-taking-ADD-meds-cuz-weekend-hehehehehe mode, but I enjoyed it. We also rediscovered the joy that is Yoshi Story.

WHERE ARE YOU CHRISTMAS, WHY CAN'T I FIND YOU

maybe I could go to teddy bear heaven, just like her, cause she went when she was eleven

There are so many times when I wish I were Regina Spektor. She is a serious badass with an unbelievable songwriting ability. Seriously. And she's so weird! God, she's creepy and interesting and weaves in and out of styles so fluidly.

Bring your own shovel, BYOS, bring your own shovel and shovel up the mess.

Songwriting has more or less been sputtering around in the back of my head since I was in elementary school. Some of my earliest hits included "Let's Go Dance, Let's Go Play (Let's Go Have Some Fun) " and "Baseball Dolls". These and many more classics were perfected in the shower and then recorded in various notebooks over the years (all of them, I'm almost positive, featuring at least one purple flower on the cover). These nuggets of pure musical gold were only shared with my closest friends, or anyone who I thought would give a damn. Most didn't.

My middle school days were heavily influenced by Avril and Vanessa Carlton. And No Secrets (responsible for the Kids in America cover in the Jimmy Neutron movie) This combined with my rapid puberty and social life that consisted of Nancy Drew computer games and the Sims led to
overwhelmingly angsty ballads about darkness and painfully unreciprocated love. One memory I haven't managed to repress is me performing this-acapella- in front of my 6th grade music class.

In the past few years, I've started trying to semi-seriously revisit that old hobby. But I can't shake that feeling of being seen as silly. Or childish. i guess because I associate that with my childhood. I feel more self conscious about it than I did as a kid. I don't want to tell or show anyone. But I love writing music and playing music and playing with words and sounds and rhythm. I don't know. I just wish I felt more confident about it, and I wish I had skills like Regina.

I would kill to be a jazz singer. Maybe if I can perfect my skattin', I can start touring as a Louis Armstrong impersonator.

that's a long story for another night

Hallway eavesdropping make the best titles. "C'mon, shut the door. It's storytime, it's STORYTIME. You can have a cookie, you wanna cookie? C'mon." They're talking about some facebook interaction.

As always, I'm way too tired and up too late.

Maybe I really do have ADD. My mother tries to diagnose everyone, all the time, with everything. She means well, and most the time has rational basis for it, but it gets annoying after a while. But I'm starting to notice how much I'm in my own head all the time and how distracted I can become because of some very minor thing. I also seriously considered trying anti-depressants again. Not because I had a particularly low point this weekend or anything, but... I don't know. The idea came to me and I thought about it and, even though I don't want to be zombiefied, which has happened in the past, or participate in the epidemic of over-prescription running rampant in this country, I have to admit to myself that I have not given anti-depressants a serious try in several years. And they might honestly help me. I really don't know. But, then there's also the cost. At this point, I really don't want to add any extra costs onto my parents. They have way too many bills to pay, and my mom still, after three years, has not found a job. Maybe some day, but not right now.

Parts of my dreams are popping into my mind suddenly: large, old-victorian houses with extensive underground systems, undesirable neighbors, front porches, anxiety, slides.

This thanksgiving break really did make me thankful. I'm thankful that I can be honest about my not-so-picturesque first semester with some people. I still have to lie through my teeth to most of my family, which sucks, but I don't want to tell them and they don't want to hear it. But other people going through the same thing do, and so I am at least thankful for that honesty.
I'm thankful for adults who still believe that there are grander things in life still worth striving for. Who don't want to be complacent. Who don't think their lives are over.
I'm thankful for cats and dogs and all the joy they provide.
I'm thankful for pecan pie.
I'm thankful for growth in the winter, mystery berries, green onions, burning bushes, and people who like plants like I like plants.
I'm thankful for silly people and interactions that aren't at all forced. I like being genuine, but I don't always act that way because I feel the need to put on in certain situations. And it always sucks. So I'm thankful for the people who make me feel always comfortable and happy and giggly.
I'm always thankful for my family, my wonderful brothers and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and john cole who is practically a member of my family, anyway. I am more than blessed to have so many people I love live so close together.

That was cheesy and conventional. Like a microwave pizza. Which can be very delicious, if you pat the grease off.

daddy's ghost behind you

This weekend was not at all what I expected. I'm stunned, but it's been nice.

Walker Park Community Garden hit a bump in the road today. After the great success of our public interest meeting, we weren't exactly sure what to do next, so we made some plans and decided to dive in. Which meant gathering cardboard to lay down on our site, to start conditioning the ground during the winter, so we could get some soil that wasn't dominated by rocks and construction leftovers. But we kind of didn't consult anyone about this plan of action. I mean, we've been working on this project since August, mostly independently. So it didn't seem immediately necessary to have this (what seemed to us) minor action approved, since we had already received a letter of approval from the city.

But we were kind of wrong.

Lisa, our contact at city parks and rec and also leader of the Fayetteville Community Garden Coalition, had been communicating with Seth, one of the members of our team, since this group's inception. She's been working closely with us, but mostly through Seth. So on Friday, when she spoke to Seth about all the reasons why we shouldn't be laying down cardboard yet, she assumed we would get the message, but we didn't. So poor Katy had to tell us for her and receive all of our looks of disappointment.

The good news is, though, that the city is not halting our garden, and we now have a nice chunk of cardboard in storage. And we still have lots time and interest. But it was a damper to STILL not have something tangible to show for all of our talking. I mean, pretty much every Tuesday since mid-August we've been talking and talking and talking about this garden. Which is great. It's so much fun and so inspiring to be a part of this discussion. But I think we were all a little anxious to actually do something. I know I was.

It was also a little frustrating to hear that the city thinks we're unorganized, enough to want to shut us down! Because I think we've been doing our best. Several of have worked in community groups before, and I think we've all done a good job of being painstaking in our planning and brainstorming, being open to all the possibilities, documenting our process, and following up on our tasks. I mean, we've failed at communication lately, but that's a recent issue. Personally, I've been trying to anticipate these kinds of problems as much as possible, so I'm disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

But it's not good to dwell on. We're still alive and kickin and I'm definitely still excited.

Next task: Binder decoration.

Also a five page paper by Tuesday morning.........heeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ps: also sweet yam costume for BenFaytonetteville thanksgiving! That'll be my reward for finishing Ramayananaanananna

Glenn Beck is an asshole.

surface

If you've been paying attention to my poorly-disguised complaints of the past few months, you may have gathered that I have not been enjoying my college experience thus far. Yes, I've had pleasant days and my classes are enjoyable, but, as a whole, not much to write home about, mostly because home is ten minutes away.

But.

I came to a realization today, after spending two hours on the blustery Old Main lawn with two of my favorite ladies, that I am starting to feel at home here. Home in the sense of familiarity with people, "fitting in", so to speak. Because I immediately felt familiar here, at Pomfret and the campus and everything. My surroundings were never really an issue. But socially, I've been upset. Disappointed. Frustrated. I came here with an open mind, pretty high expectations to meet new people and be intellectually stimulated and bla la lalla lalla l!!!!! So, I soon discovered a lot of the people here are not very much like me. In some ways, yes, but not on a level deeper than, "Hey, i like your shoes." "Thanks." "See you in bio." And I'm just not good with visceral relationships. I like to spill my guts and you to spill yours and they mix together in a big bowl of friendship juices and then we poop our pants laughing. Not something easily, or immediately, accomplished.

All in all, I've been feeling lonely, which isn't something new. That's how my depression manifests itself a lot of the time. But recognizing that doesn't usually make it any better. I feel isolated sometimes, and I think that was made worse by being constantly bombarded with many characteristics of human existence that I really don't care for.

My point: Today I realized that that is stupid. I have lots of people that I like who care about me. I knew that... but I understood. There's no more poetic way to put it. The people I hang out with are really great people. I have a wonderful family and close friends here in town and far away. But they're still there. And they still love me. I know this sounds angsty and more appropriate for junior high but it's taken me a while to get to this point. Again. Hopefully you're only reading this if you're someone who won't hold that against me. And if not, why are you here?



So, things are looking up. Just in time for the end of the semester. Then friends will be home and cookies will be baked and books will be read and rollercoaster tycoon will be played and winter will freeze us together.

just waiting

Cars have not been cooperating lately.

I got a flat tire last night, which has never happened to me before. Luckily, Joel was there and walked me through everything, so it was minimally stressful. But then, I went to get it fixed today, and it turns out it is unfixable. Blew the side of the tire, so I have to buy an entirely new one. Which is pretty expensive. And I hate cars, and driving them, and I know I have to buy one, but I still don't want to. So that pissed me off, and going to Walmart pissed me off, and so I pulled out in front of someone in the parking lot and didn't even care. Which is bad. I should definitely care about reckless driving.

And then tonight, I was pulling out of one of the student parking lots after I got back from blues, and I pushed down on the gas instead of the brake... if you've ever done that, you understand how physically disorienting and scary it is. Everything was fine, but I seriously could have killed someone. It really shook me up.

So, I especially hate cars right now.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving break. it's only a total of 5 days, but I have a feeling it will do me a lot of good.

The Habitote I used today at walmart had a big ole rip in the side. And I broke a pair of nail clippers this morning. Add that to my busted tire. I'm on a roll.

If you have not yet experienced the glory that is Braum's Gingerbread Ice Cream (Special Holiday Flavor), go. Right now. Drop everything you are doing. It is the best thing you will ever have ever.

I want to read Loretta Lynn's memoir. A new addition was published lately. She seems like an interesting lady.

I'm pretty tired. This is a kind of downer of a day, I guess.

holding, holding, holding on

I feel so behind.

Which is kind of terrible. I mean, this feeling isn’t entirely based on the internet, but lots of my feelings of being neglectful and overwhelmed stem from the mass of unread emails and facebook notifications and blog updates. Which is pretty sad.

It’s also pretty sad how madly I want to reply to emails from my bio lab teacher and confess my love. All the time. [If you could see the smileys on my quizzes, you’d understand.]

But I am pretty behind. I went to DC this weekend! And it was awesome! I mean, we actually didn’t see a whole lot of the rally. Because, if you couldn’t tell, there were a lot of people there. Like, a LOT. But they were all really nice people. Seriously, the most polite crowd I’ve ever been apart of. I still can’t get over how kind and welcoming everyone was. The mood and the signs and the feeling of, well, physically being a part of a rally made it so much fun. I am a sucker for things that make me feel like something bigger than myself. Rallies are definitely one of those things. I hadn’t been to one since November 1st, 2008., almost exactly two years earlier. That one is still my favorite. I can’t describe how that made me feel.

I’m feeling not welcome here, lately. Here, as in the U of A, pomfret, even my room sometimes. Holly is talking on the phone right now, but earlier she was trying to sleep. And I had things to do. I feel bad that I keep her up, but I also feel bad stressing myself out over that, because I have just as much right to be here as she does. That reasoning usually doesn’t make me feel better. But she’s out of the room right now, so I’m fine.

Tonight, we had our public meeting for the Walker Park Community Garden, and it was a great success! We had about fifteen or so new attendants, of different ages and backgrounds, and they all had a lot to contribute. The energy in the room was contagious. Props to Serena for making everyone comforatable right off the bat. It went very well. I’m pretty sure everyone there is going to be involved, and that makes me so happy. I have a really good feeling about the success of this project. Also, the food was absolutely delicious, so more sparkles to Serena.

With the help of some sweet antibiotics, I’m slowly getting over this nasty cold that’s been nipping at me for two weeks. Probably not the best condition to be in when spending 44 hours in a car, but hey. I didn’t die. And my cough is getting better already.

I’ve been spending a lot of time at home lately, and reflecting on that fact a lot too. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I don’t. I honestly enjoy being around my family, and being somewhere where I don’t have to wear shoes to use the bathroom or wear pants to do anything. That voice in the back of my mind keeps saying I should be having the college experience or whatever. But that’s stupid. What is that, anyway? Something that’s been constructed by countless movie and TV images trying to dictate a certain type of whatever? I hate when I get caught in that mess of pop culture product-ness that makes me disappointed for not living up to a fake standard subconsciously constructed by things I hate.

That’s to say, I love my family and my dogs and my cats and I like not wearing pants.

Lately, I’ve been mourning the fact that I wasn’t born a musical genius. I would so love to just rely on banjo and singing for everything. Which I probably couldn’t let myself do even if I were a musical genius. But I do wish I had more of a drive to develop musically. I just always push it by the wayside in lieu of lots of things I hate, mostly school. Which I only hate half the time, but still. I wish I could just not do bullshit assignments and practice banjo instead. Which I could do. But won’t.

I don’t want to talk about the election, except to say I’m heartbroken that Tim Griffin actually beat Joyce Elliott, because Joyce Elliott is the one politician I can say I believe whole-heartedly. She is the most genuine candidate I’ve ever spoken and listend to. I have the uptmost respect for her and her positions. I wish I could have voted for her. I wish she had beaten Tim Griffin. I wish people weren’t so goddamn stupid sometimes.

I should be studying so much right now! I’ve spent far too long not studying lately.

Despite Republicans and sinus infections and paper cuts, I’m still pleased with the world right now. Not sure why. But that's the best kind of happy.

like a little baby at the bottom of a well

I'm sick. Head cold, chest congestion, chills, general feeling of disgustingness. I think my body is physically trying to make me procrastinate studying for my H2P exam. Which is tomorrow.... oh god.

At least my italian test is over. It was hard, but I probably got a B. I've skipped EnviSci for two days. I've had good reason, but I really need to get out of the habit.

Make me blue forever, like an island sky.

I've been really down lately. I always get depressed at the beginning of the school year. I went to the counseling center on campus, finally. That was an ordeal in itself, but my actual consultation went well. I still haven't heard from anyone about it, though. Which makes me think they don't have any openings.

I genuinely wanted to drop out of school on Saturday. I just... I hate it here sometimes. I was so excited at the beginning and I've been so disappointed. There's nothing here. I've met a couple of really awesome people, but that's it. I don't know. I always feel isolated. I've never really gotten over that. I think it's worse when I'm surrounded by people all the time.

There are just too many sad things right now.

I hope I still get to go to the Rally to restore sanity. I hope I'm well enough to even go.

bleghalkdx.

K. Time to actually study.

Two Worlds

I feel like reflecting.

There's a lot floating around in my head right now, and my thoughts feel like paint splatter. But I'll go ahead with my two most recent activities of the night, Blues and the GA Media Team call.

Tonight was my fourth blues dancing class. It's gotten smaller each time since I've been, down to four tonight: Chelsea James; the instructor, Megan; Michael, a math graduate student and the lone male; and myself. I would consider us the core of the class, even before tonight. Even though there is only one guy, and even though I feel like I could be doing a better job of leading than he most the time, I really, really like blues. As far as dance goes, it's so chill. It is all about lagging. There is no rhythm, inherently. It's all whatever you and your partner are doing right then and there. And there are no specific blues moves. It's a combination of lots of other dances, but it has its own style. Whenever I've tried to explain it to people, I think it comes off very lame, something along the lines of, "Well, it's dancing to blues music, with a partner, and it's really cool...."

But it really is.

Every time Megan starts talking about "dance culture", I get kind of bashfully excited. Because I want to understand, and be a part of that, and go to competitions and meet these great people she talks about and the djs and the scene. It's terrible to be so instantly motivated. I have, what, four hours experience at this? But it is such a different world for me. My dance experience boils down to TCTTW, Charleston in AP Block, and making a fool of myself for 9th grade Woodland Cowgirls Dance Tryouts omg omg. And Pete and Michelle and I did delve pretty deeply into modern experimental dance for Einstein on the Beach (Words and Music last year). But that was still three kids who knew basically nothing about dance trying to do something edgy and bizarre and cool.

Dance is something I've always admired from a far, like rock climbing or Canada. I've never had direct experience for more than a few weeks. Now, I definitely can't say I'm not one of those people who's always wanting people to have dance parties or play better dancing music at prom. But as an art, dance is something I've only felt connected to when I'm watching Gotta Kick it Up. But blues feels so right, so within my grasp. It doesn't necessarily come easily to me; my slight tendency to be physically awkward is magnified tenfold when faced with a large mirror/physical activity/anything sexy. Blues has all of these things, and so whenever we begin class with solo blues in front of the mirror, my flexibility and fluidity go out the window. I feel like I start from square one each time. And I quickly catch up, but still. I'm fighting my un-athleticism that's haunted me since softball. Most times, this wins out. But not with blues. I have this feeling that suddenly it's going to come to me, I'm going to get it, get the pulse and the nuances and musicality that Megan is always talking about. It's already starting, on a small scale. I know it will just take time.


Then there's activism world, environmental world, Grand Aspirations and national conference calls and being accosted for vegetarianism ahhhhh. I guess what I'm feeling is this increasing sense that most people aren't as holistically connected to ideals as I am. What I mean is that I care about the environment. I think a large number, if not a majority, of my peers would agree with that statement. But the vast majority don't devote their lives to that. Which is fine. I'm not saying they should. But I do. I'm emotional, and when I get committed to someone or something, I dig in deep. So when some asshole starts picking a fight with me over how I eat, I get pretty upset, because I feel very strongly about not eating animals. It is an integral part of the person I am, because it affects me everyday and goes along with the things I care about and the activities I'm involved in. I work on gardens and Summer of Solutions and climate issues and women's empowerment because all of those things are important to me as a means of fixings the problems that I see. Vegetarianism is a part of that solution. There's no disconnect between me being involved in environmental issues and work and my dietary habits. They all stem from the same part of of who I am. There's a very good chance I'm not making sense anymore. Maybe I'm just not reacting well to the guy I met tonight who tried to argue with me about climate change, because the earth has had a much rapid change than what we're experiencing now. Except, of course, there were no people on it at that time. His response was there's nothing we can do anyway. Well, goddammit, there is something we can do about it. You can't just say "Fuck it" and doom everyone. Sorry, I can't live like that. I can't. Because I want to have kids, and I can't have kids if I'm just going to be bringing them into a world that is only going to be more poisoned and hostile and sad.

I intended this to be more about my role in GA and the national green economy scene, but that guy really got to me. And I'm frustrated because of Holly. She can't sleep with the typing. And I'm tired, too. So I guess I'll leave this at that.

oh honey you turn me on, I'm a radio

I'm a country station, I'm a little bit corny, I'm a wildwood flower waving for ya.

I haven't been able to get that song out of my head for a few days now.



Also, I didn't sleep last night. At all. Along with Zach, Breana and Flannery. I finished my H2P paper at approximately 7am, with enough time to go back to my room. I did catch a good 30 minutes or so on the CSES couch, only to awake and find myself in the middle of a study session with strangers. Who did not acknowledge my presence whatsoever, even when I stood up and left. It was a little odd.
(I guess that's my appeal to not read this too closely because I'm not really thinking)

But the stress for this week is over! Well, sort of. Second bio test coming up real soon on Monday. If I don't do well on this... I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'm going to study right now.

Did I blog about leaving my laptop on top of my car? Because I did, and it stayed on top all the way up college, through the square and the loop around the library. I need to bake something tasty for the wonderful mystery man who found it.

SPEAKING OF WHICH MY MOTHER BAKED PUMPKIN BREAD AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME.

...I shouldn't be allowed to call this a blog. This is the most trivial crap just dumped from my brain.

OH WELL.
TOMORROW IS LISA FRANK/BROWN DAY. can't wait. Litmag prophecy fulfilled.


so much nutella. so much.





I want to get better at blues dancing. Or just dancing. What I love about all these passionate people I keep meeting, whether they're farmers or yoga instructors or banjo players, is the way they pull you into their world. There are all these intensive communities of weird hobbyists and they all know each other. Meghan, my blues teacher, for example, went to LA last weekend, is going to Austin tomorrow, and to Dallas for Halloween. All for these big dance events. And she'll start talking about all these people she danced with from all over the country and we can stay with if we want to come with her... and it just seems like so much fun. I guess I'm already starting to make those connections among the green economy kids, but it's nice to see into different groups. Interesting, anyway.

School is pretty good right now. I think my paper turned out pretty well, and my bio lab mid term was pretty easy (and got me out of class 2 hours early!), and my italian test is over, and I don't have anyting to worry about tomorrow. At all.


bedtime for bonzo.

his face is white as february snow

I think the only thing I don't try to be open-minded about is close-mindedness.

Maybe that makes me just as bad. I don't know.

But listening to fundamental christian values, conventional toxic farming practices, and homophobia really gets to me. Really, really gets to me. Dr. Wolfe even noticed I was in a bad mood.

And if I have to hear one more thing about crossbows, deer season, or rifle descriptions, I am going to shove tofu down somebody's throat.

Holly put me in my place, though. I was complaining to her about all these things, and my frustration at being in an environmental program here rather than at Warren Wilson, Lewis & Clark, or any of the other hippie schools I applied to. But she reminded me that I have to be the pioneer. "You have to... strike!" Lots of arm movements were involved. It was really good. I was humbled.

So other than that frustrating afternoon, I got back my first exam in H2P today. I got a 97%! I was RELIEVED. I thought I did so poorly. My roommate got hers back last week and got a 101, but she prepared a lot earlier than I did. So I was nervous. But that makes me feel better about this essay due Thursday. Though I'm afraid my mind will use that as a reason to procrastinate...

And I got a 100 on my last italian quiz. Which is good because I gotta test tomorrow. I have become a believer in flashcards.

Venting done for now.

Life's evening sun
is sinking low
A few more days
and I must go

(interestingly enough, country music shares a lot of roots with these frustrating ideals. But it makes me feel so much better)

crispy, crispy, benjamin franklin

Regina always finds the right words.

The air is crackling with the promise of autumn today. I watched Beaches with Chelsea today. Her mom keeps the windows and doors open, so we got to feel the cool air silently creep in as the sun went down. It was so nice. The weather and the movie. And Bette Midler. Who is our Blues teacher, completely.

My dad laughed at me today when I asked him to build a fire. Apparently there are temperature rules governing fire-building. I was totally ready, but we had no wood.

Speaking of chopping wood, holy moly we met the cutest guy today at Spenser's Legacy, the animal rescue. He was axing away leftovers from the ice storm. I have new ambition to volunteer.

Bleh. I hope Holly and I can talk soon. She's being weird about my sleeping patterns. As in, she wishes I was magically finished with all of my tasks exactly when she decides she wants to go to sleep. But she won't talk to me about it; I have to find out second-hand. I'm not really sure how to bring it up. But here I am, again, sitting in the lobby because she's asleep. Which is fine. I just kind of feel weird exiting my room as soon as she turns out her light. Hopefully we can resolve it soon.

I started my family tree! I'm amazed at how much Nana remembers. She just starts talking and recalling all these birthdates and marriage stories of people five generations ago, on and on. We've only just started. I don't know if this is a public link, but here's how far we got: Click meee And that's just my Nana's side. I'm pleased. (Fun fact: At least four of my relatives were murdered in that famous Mormon massacre! All right!)

Also, I ate 1040 calories worth of Ben & Jerry's Cake Batter yesterday night. In one sitting, By myself. While watching Letters to Juliet.

I regret nothing.

Oh whoa oo whoaaoooh. Here I am with my heart on floor and my love out the door you should be knockin'...

brrrrmbrrrmbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm

It's that time of year! The bikers have descended in all their leather-studded, deep fried, cigarette flavored glory. Time for me to leave to town.

I got an urge the other day to visit my grandmother. So I'm hopefully going to spend tomorrow afternoon in Russellville. My Nana is old. And she's been taking care of my paralyzed grandfather since 2004, without hired help. I don't know how she hasn't worn herself out. Her hands make me happy and sad at the same time.

Anyway, she knows so much about food, and gardening, and sewing, and our family history. She's really into genealogy, like me. Except she has actually done research on it, while I just know what other people have told me and talk about being Irish on my birthday. But that's why I want to visit her. So all her knowledge doesn't just die...

And I have to be honest. I feel guilty for not seeing her more. She and Papa's whole life consists of their house. For the past 6 years, they leave for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and to go to the hospital. That's really it. They want to see us more, and usually I honestly don't want to go. I'll admit that spending a day listening to Fox News and sitting around a kitchen table is not my first choice. But god that's selfish of me. I skipped Nana's birthday to drive to New York and see She & Him. Which was awesome. Really really awesome. But, god. My house-bound grandmother turned 86. I could have at least gone to see her.

So. I hope I'll be there tomorrow.

For now, I'll listen to Sufjan and try to nap through the ripping motors.

Touring a shithole

Literally!

My Environmental Science class toured one of the two waste water treatment facilities in Fayetteville.

We saw the entire process, start to finish.

Never have I been so surrounded.
By poop.
Churning, rushing, gushing poop.

That was my day.

OH. WAIT. ONE MORE THING.




BANJOBANJOBANJOOOoooooo

It's a restored Lady Stewart, which means it was created by the great S.S. Stewart (maker, composer & publisher extraordinare) somewhere around the 1890s. Mr. Buehling bought it, shined it up real nice, tied a pink ribbon around the head and finally presented it to me tonight. It took a few months of anxious anticipation and lots of work on Mr. Buehling's side, but it's the best dang graduation gift ever ever ever. Ever.

And it sounds so nice! The nylon strings are so much better than the steel ones on my kay. I mean, it's world's apart from my kay, quality-wise. Kays were designed to be affordable from their inception. Stewarts, on the other hand, are genuine class. Cherry neck, goat skin head, adorable pearl inlay pieces e'erywhere, beautiful ivory pegs, and the original SSS bracket tightener.

This doesn't mean anything to anyone reading this. But it is a Really Big Deal, I assure you.

I'm in twangalang heaven.

goodbye, unicorn!

It is a special day when an email from my cute bio lab teacher regarding appropriate outdoor clothing for our next class gets me excited. A special day indeed.

All I did for the majority of yesterday was sleep and watch tv. And eat. I ate lots of soup with my mom. I felt kind of sick, so I blew off everything, like quidditch practice and the OMNI cookout where i was apparently supposed to speak. But no one told me.


The moral of the story is I am still exhausted.
Woop.

Time for the sleeps.

EXCEPT ALSO WAIT IT'S COLD IT'S COLD IT'S COLD. My dad was a poophead and told me it's supposed to get up to 80 tomorrow. But I don't care. I DON'T CARE. I'LL WEAR MY SWEATERS ANYWAY. IN ALL THEIR 100% ACRYLIC GLORY.

one of those days

I am so tempted to bitch about everything right now.

But I have a past-due bullshit paper to finish, so I'll limit it to those rousing participants in Greek Life.

FUCK YOU ALL YOU'VE BEEN SCREAMING FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT I CAN BARELY HERE MY MUSIC OVER YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN WATERMELON.

_______________

What is it about Thursdays that make me crazy?

I feel I should update: I felt a lot better after my lab. And talking to Gipsye. Tomorrow, I'm going to the health center to see about getting into counseling. Apparently it's free. I've been trying to ignore my anxiety but it's killing me. And it's not fair to me or the people I'm around.

In other news, the bitches are being just as loud and obnoxious as this afternoon, though watermelon fest finally ended.

A history of lovers, given and taken in ink

FIrst time to skip class.
Bio.

To nap.

I like college right now.

And iron & wine. Omgomgomgomg I forget how good.

No, Miley, you're wrong

Butterflies do not fly away. Not ones from the bus.
As in, I carried this lil guy we named Phillip all the way from the bus station to the agri building on my finger, where I set him down. I wish I had a picture.


First test of college. Hew. I don't know. i studied like crazy last night, but between all the ways i can get distracted and the frat rush activities going on across the street (continuing as I type with blaring Queen songs), I'm not sure how much of it stuck. Blehch. And we still had a goddamn quiz in drill today.


But at least the end of the week is almost here. A lot to look forward to coming up.

Salmon Shorts is the hottest new game since Pacifica. Doug and Travis introduced me. I'm only up one today. But it's rush week. I'm hopeful.

I will never understand girls who wear heels on a regular basis. Especially walking around this place. I trip when I wear chacos. Seriously.




This is totally stuck in my head right now. Thank you Breeana.


This is one of those days where I like people.

============================
Fuck. I should never, ever say things like that^^. What a wonderful way to jinx my night. God. I worry way too much. And I hate being fake. Hate hate hate it so much I just want to crawl out my skin and ooze onto the floor.

weathered and withered

Yesterday, I attended a department seminar about the Dust Bowl, given by former professor Lyell Thompson. He is 86 years old. He hobbled around, bent at the waist and legs kicking out from side to side, to illustrate on the whiteboard the location of his childhood in the Oklahoma panhandle.

He was honest. He would speak and pause and cough and speak and cough and go on to another thought.

He talked about his one-room school house. 20 students in all the grades. A funny contrast next to the relatively small lecture hall we all sat in, most likely twice the size of his entire school. And the lecture hall is only one small basement room in one building of one university of thousands across the country.

He spoke of meeting his wife on the first day of high school. He recalled her socks and the way she wore her hair and how she sat on one side of the room with all the other girls. He said the principal told the boys and girls to mix together. Some of the girls got up to sit with the boys. I don't know if his wife was one of them. He never finished that thought.

He said the only time the boys and girls were separated was when the boys went to agriculture and the girls went to home ec.

I kept staring at his arms, the strange colorings and freckles and veins and skin that have seen 15 presidents and a lifetime of history.

They reminded me of the arms of my grandparents. And how I know so much about this man's childhood and so little of theirs.

I don't know where the times goes.

i gotta bag full a hair

No, really. It's in my backpack. Apparently there's a barber in the union.

About to gorge on Andy's.... SO GOOD.


It's weird how a ziploc of flashy childhood pencils can make me so happy. But they do.


I need to sing more.

feathers

don't decompose. At least not quickly. Why? I have no idea.

That's among the many things I learned on tuesday at an industrial chicken house that my Environmental Science Lab toured.

It was so sad. 20,000 birds packed together into a big, long, dark house. It looked like the floor was covered in thousands of moving little pillows, as far as you could see. The only daylight came in from the very end, where the fans were.

Basically, corporations like Tyson and Simmons supply the birds and the feed. The worker has to supply everything else- the houses (which are crazy expensive: the ones Simmons requires its producers to construct cost between $350-400,000.), the watering system, lighting, and waste disposal (which is why our class visited- to learn about their chicken litter compost system.) And then the manual labor on top of that. So small farms do all the work, are told when and how to raise their birds, all for the promise of having a guaranteed buyer. Whatever company supplies them always buys back the birds- for at least 4 cents per chicken, and as much as 6.5 cents.

What's really messed up is the way the payment system is set up. As a small producer, it's actually better for you if your neighbors do poorly. You get paid more per bird if your neighbors birds are sickly or something. Either you all do well and you all get paid a lower price, or someone gets a little more and everyone else gets screwed over. Way to encourage people, Corporate Poultry. Way to go.

By my calculations, if they turn 7 flocks (of about 80,000 birds each [!!!]), an operation this size can earn, at best, $28,000. That's raw profit. So now consider the astronomical upfront investment these people must make and try to pay off with this kind of measly income... It's sick. It's hurting hard-working people and innocent animals. The only one coming out on top is the corporation. But once you buy all that equipment, what other choice do you have?

Of course,"You don't do this kind of work to get rich," the manager/operator of this farm informed us. He told us you do it because you enjoy it.

Enjoy penning hens up so that they can barely move around? So that they cannot do any natural things chickens are meant to do? Enjoy having to deprive them of sunlight because it will make them "too aggressive"? God forbid they get restless in there.

I just don't understand. I don't understand why people put up with this. I don't understand how people find any fulfillment in raising animals like this. It doesn't make sense economically, morally, or environmentally.

When I asked about the chickens receiving sunlight, the guy went on a long talk about a lot of things. He told me that there are animal abuse inspectors who come around every year. But here's the kicker! So the animal agents call up the company, at a 'random' time, and tell them, "We need to come inspect your chickens. Take us to one of your producers. Your pick!" So which farm do you think Tyson is going to choose, the one who abuses their chickens, or the one who doesn't? As long as they take them to one of their farms, then they all get cleared for the whole year. Makes a lot of sense, huh?

I've never been so thankful that I choose not to contribute to that system of consumption.

So I've been trying to finish this post since Tuesday. I've been busy. I'm not as angry as I was that day. I'm still just as adamant about how idiotic the system is, but I've been having much better days since.

For example:

It's been beautifully rainy! My family bonded with Banah's yesterday at her Eid celebration, and we watched Little Mosque on the Prairie (oh yes. It exists. You can thank Canada). I bought "528 Cute Animal Stickers", completely intact, for a whopping 75 cents today from potter's house. Pete and I spent all of Sunday night and Labor Day together, with movies, the Clothesline Fair, free stuff and the christening of my adorable picnic basket. I saw Smash Mouth and spent three hours lawling all over the Taco Bell last night. Kelly and Michelle and I baked cookies and watched a chick flick together tonight, and I'm so pleased, because I love both of them so much and I'm glad they got to be friends. There's no such thing as a non-precious elementary school child, and I got to be reminded of that on Friday morning. I've been bonding with some absolutely wonderful people lately. I took Breana and Holly on a tour of Fayetteville today, with the Farmer's Market, the Ozark Harvest Food Festival, OMNI gardening, Potter's House Thrift, Cheap Thrills, and Chanting for Peace.

Which I have to elaborate on. About 40 of us sat in a big circle in St. Paul's Episcopal this afternoon. I was very impressed by the representation. We all listened to blessings, prayers and songs from Muslims, Jews, Unitarians, Quakers, Methodists, the Zen Center, a Tibetan Buddhist Monk, and more that I'm forgetting. It was absolutely beautiful. Everyone, in whatever language and whatever way, was saying the same thing: harmony. I can't think of a better way to commemorate September 11th. At the end, we all stood up and held hands to sing "Let There Be Peace of Earth" (which, as a song, sounded terrible, but I think it was made better by that). And then we all enjoyed DELICIOUS brown people food. I could eat tazhiki sauce till kingdom come.

I feel so at peace with the world right now. My spirit is renewed. I'm going to go to a Tibetan meditation meeting tomorrow morning and then TLC Board and then the HPER with Chelsea and eat dinner with my family and maybe I'll fit some homework in there too.

Thank you, world, for being so beautiful.

Ah, dorm life

Dear Girl Next Door:
You are not Beyonce. I promise. So please quit trying to be. Turn your music down, and stop singing off key.

kthanx.

love, Andrea

HURRZ

And out of the ashes rises life.

I had a breakdown last night. About a lot of things that have been weighing on my heart for a long time that I would rather not talk about. But! My mom and I cried it out and it was extremely therapeutic.

I think it's significant that it also started raining yesterday after a month long drought.

And the point is today was great! I don't really know why. But I loved it. I got to see a lot of friends, made some new ones even. And I went to a new class, bio lab, which was actually really fun. We got out at 7:30 instead of 9, that helped. All we did was play with microscopes, but damn! Looking at microorganisms is the coolest. Those suckers can move!

Haha. Yup.

Also, I dyed my hair!

It was all faded out to some weird coppery thing from the summer sun, as shown here.



And now it's very dark, but close to my natural hair color.




Hooray! I'm gonna do my italian and go to bed.


ALSO NO MORE FACEBOOK.

rain rain

sometimes, you really need your mom to tell ya what's what.

one of those times was tonight.


I actually had topics I intended to blog about sometime soon, but... shit happens. Haha.

So I'm going to eat cookies riddled with gluten and watch John Stewart with my mother.

SNUFFLEUPAGUS.

I don't know if there's much to say other than that.

I don't think we got the SoS grant. I'm pretty bummed :( That could have made a HUGE difference in our capacity for next year.

On the bright side, I introduced Scott to the joy that is Petra Cafe today.
Also there's free Breakfast for Dinner at the union tonight.
And I think I aced my Italian quiz.

We made shirts for my floor tonight. B7 BOMBSHELLS. Mine was the only black one of the bunch. Now I think we're going to watch Kung Pow.

humdinger

This weekend was a pleasant surprise.

Friday was very enjoyable but long. Pete & I stayed up till at least three just talking. Which was wonderful like always and I get choked up even thinking about how soon we won't be able to do that anymore but ANYWAY my mom woke up at nine the next morning and told me we were visiting Nana and Papa for their anniversary. Now, I would have been perfectly fine about this, but because a) I was exhausted and woken suddenly and b) I had already passed up the chance to go out of town this weekend and was really looking forward to being at home and c) I woke up with serious nasal congestion, I was a sourpuss most of the day. It didn't help that there wasn't much I could eat and that we had to look at my aunt's vacation photos for like 45 minutes.

Being grumpy and inactive the whole day kind of spoiled my mood for Brown Girls sleepover that night, but it was still a lot of fun. Pretty typical for us: Talking, playing with Keeno, eating, Nancy Drew through the woods, drive-by Warehouse visit (Surf de Soleil show omgzzz), dress-up, picture-takin' and a movie. It's weird thinking about how little I'll actually see them this year. Shmeh. Don't want to think about it. I'll just focus on the good parts. Like watching Teeth. heh heh heh.

This morning i was still really tired and really sniffly. Banah and I took another hour ciesta before she drove me home. I slept, watched tv with scott and dad and then slept somemore. So I was pretty much a sloth the whole day, but I needed it. I'm still pretty damn tired. Just having all this pressure in my head makes me perpetually tired.

BUT I AM FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE.
Here are the good parts of my day:
-Spending time with my family
-Going to yoga (even though it was a huge class and not up to the Joy Caffrey/Mark Cain standards I'm used to)
-Talking to friends
-homemade tofu fajitas :D
-Having a full-on religion discussion with a random boy I met in the laundry room. I was still feeling pretty pissy when I first went in there, because I was sitting by myself doing my homework, feeling stuffed up, and the other people were sitting together at a table, talking, (eating their Wonderbread sandwiches lolz jk). But then Mom brought me those yummy fajitas and I sat down at the table and started talking to a friendly boy named Connor. We were just talking about lots of things, including church, and somehow I was telling him exactly what I think. I totally judged him at first, too, because he was wearing a cross necklace. I thought he'd really disagree and get offended, but seemed to agree with a lot of what I said. We found a lot of common ground. And even though I was explaining a lot, it didn't feel like one of those governor's school conversations you have where you feel like you're trying to censor yourself or something. It was really nice, and came out of nowhere. And he was pretty cute, too. I guess that's one of those MEMORIES I'LL HAVE FOREVER BECAUSE COLLEGE.

But really, it was nice. I didn't get much homework done, but that's fine by me.

Now I'm going to sleep because my mucus has turned from clear to yellow, meaning I have an infection! Delicious, hmm? And all cold medicines have ceased to help me whatsoever, so I'm just gonna have to sleep it off. Also I need to be in tip-top condition for tomorrow. Scott and I are having a lunch date! He asked me too. I can't believe he's so big.

I'm vowing to be better at this blogging business. I think I'll appreciate it later on. Also Eddie told me i should blog today and I said I had one but realized it doesn't really count if I don't update.

Buona notte! (First Italian quiz tomorrow. Wish me luck.)

College, anyone?

So, I'm exhausted and have a lot to do, even though it's only my first day. For this reason, while Holly sets up our new printer/scanner/copier/FAX MACHINE (holy god I can't wait), I'm going to re-post the email i just sent to my family.

I got up right on time at 8:58. I ate breakfast with Sara Tenison and a couple of friends she made, then I got on the Route 56 bus and successfully switched the Brown, which took me right to the Agri building. My first class was Environmental Science at 10:30 (not bad for a Monday morning, huh?) I sat by Nick Savin (who lost his wallet, ua id, key fob and $400 bookstore gift card this morning) and Holly, my roommate. My advisor, Dr. Wolf, teaches this class, and he was as goofy as ever. Looking at the syllabus I realized I was excited about literally all the topics we're going to cover. It was a great way to start.

Then I had like a four hour break, so I wandered to the union, where they were giving away free hotdogs! Oh boy! So I bypassed that and went inside, where I ran into Kevin Fitzgerald, whose a year older than I am and was in my forensics class (and was the murderer/my character's long lost brother in the Mousetrap, for those of you paying attention). Basically, I switched into his Italian class and then went to it an hour later. So that was exciting. My teacher is pissy but I think it'll be interesting. I've always loved the language. I learned how to say what my name is, where I'm from, and how I am. Molto bene, grazie!

So after Italiano I picked up some stuff for the drama auditions, which are on Wednesday, which I found out on Saturday. They're for the whole year... I don't know. I hope I'll do okay. It won't be too hard, just nerve wracking. I had about an hour break, where I read the book I have to have done by tomorrow morning ( page 64 out of 300 currently....). Biology was supposed to start at 3:30. Around 3:35, me and about six others realized the Science & Engineering Building is not the Science & Engineering auditorium. So we were late, but it was okay, because the class was HUGE. Really really huge. All we did was go over the syllabus, until the very end, where my sassy handicapped teacher pulled out his guitar and sang us a song about biology. His band is called Mo Brothers.

Then I booked it to the poultry science auditorium for my fellowship meeting. I still don't understand how it all works. But I think I get a stipend check... that's all I really care about right now. I missed an ice cream social for honors kids, though. That was disappointing.

Then I ate dinner with my friend Joe Sagan, who was my husband in Harvey. Dinner was delicious and conversation was lovely.

Now I'm back in my room, procrastinating and talking to Charles Denny, Dylan Holland and my roommate. We're talking about our days and watermelons. Two punk kids in Aldi were ridiculing the watermelon Charles picked out.

Yep.

Miss you!!!

full circle

Seems I'm updating monthly now, eh? I've been tracking my summer a tad bit more thoroughly on my summer of solutions blog, but I felt this needed some attention.

Man, I can't believe it's August. I move out of my house in two weeks and a day. THAT IS SO SOON. Ahhhh I remember having a conversation with Laura Florick about this in the fall of 10th grade, right before we dyed our hair. She said something about how it's so scary to go to college because it's completely unlike anything we've done in our lives up to this point. Living on our own and everything. I don't know why that's stuck with me all this time. But I still think about it.

I know I'll be fine. And I'm really genuinely excited about college. But I don't know. It's just weird to think about not living here anymore. Exciting but not exciting at the same time. It's so strange how radically different my thoughts about college are since last year. I was itching to get out of this place. Now my roots are digging in deep. But I really don't have a problem with that. I love this town the more I get involved. I love being around my family. And I like having professors who birthed some of my friends.

That's not to say I'll never leave. I'm definitely going to travel. Extensively. I might not live here again for a long time. But who knows. For once, I'm excited to not have a plan. I know where I'll be for at least the next year, and that's a-okay by me.

In other news, I'm having a great hair day.


Also, friends are back in town! Kelsey and Quinn (and even Rory, briefly) have returned from parts unknown, aka Europe. Pete & Cody are back in Fayetteville. Jordan is home, sort of. Maybe still in Georgia on vacation. But at least not in Conway. I like having people nice and close, at least for two more weeks! Blkw;aklala..... I hate saying goodbye.

But.

I'm ready to sleep.

findings in floyd

In a small Virginia town of about 3000 people and Blue Ridge blacktop, I have managed to find:
-$2 leather shoes
-a Miranda Automex SLR from 1962, previously owned by Roy Burke, JR. Attorney at Law, of Marion, VA.
-a drink called "Pumpkin Pie" that made me feel like i was in 8th grade again, but nonetheless delicious.
-a cheap, awesome pizza made with all locally grown, organic ingredients (including summer squash out of devin's stepmom's garden)
-four adorable kittens
-a three story fabric store
-a tiny little store for organic, local food, based on trust (as in, no cashier. You come as you please and leave your money in an envelope)
-the Floyd Country Store, celebrating its 100th year of operation and celebration of bluegrass music (there was even an exhibit
-a tour of Devin's childhood home
-wineberries, which are like a sourer raspberry and grow wild along the road.
-wonderful people and a thoroughly pleasant day.

And in a matter of minutes we hit the road all the way to NYC.
COFFEE TIME.

the wedding bells will never ring for me

http://www.thesixtyone.com/s/45YueXoszFX/

http://www.thesixtyone.com/s/vySzrhovWsJ/

joy and happiness in musical form.

I'm feeling very musically inspired lately. writing songs, which hasn't happened in months upon months. I guess I'm feeding off of all the creative energy everyone around me seems to be radiating (Brothers, Younger and Older).And anticipating Catamaran's premiere show, of course. But I'm understanding the banjo a lot more, after a period of real apathy and not much practicing. I had my very last high school choir concert last weekend, and it was awesome. The best I've ever had. It was so much fun, and everyone there was really wonderful, too. I'm going to miss group singing every day, you know? Most people don't spend an hour of their day making music with fifty other people. Weird to think about.

Connotations volume 27 has arrived! Signing party was tonight. I ate too many petit fores and John got dressed up like a bro. Yep. Also I was was formally introduced to Mrs. Brothers, who aggressively requested/demanded I attend the reading of the creative writing anthology, since I got the Nathan Altman scholarship, and their publication proceeds go toward that award. She at first assured me I didn't have to read, but then she asked me to. So I did. But it gave me a chance to show of the magazine. And the whole thing was a lot of fun. Saba did a wonderful job. While she was reading her piece about licking rocks, Joe Bell turns to me and goes, "She is so universally weird, in every setting. It's really impressive". That's wonderfully accurate.

Two AP exams down, three to go, including a hellish day of Economics. Micro in the mornin', macro afternoon. On our last day of high school, and Jake's 18th birthday, and Catamaran. I can't believe that. I really can't believe I graduate two weeks from today, exactly.

In other news, Pete and I have officially begun planning our escape to the Grand Canyon. I'm so excited. Tourist traps and couch surfing and Sedona and brady bunch clothes. JUST TWO WEEKS AND TWO DAYS.

Also, Reptile Museum was conquered yesterday. As in, the guy was actually there, and I held an alligator, two constrictors, and a tarantula. It was less exciting than I had hoped, but the Jesus paraphernalia and piranha and all the other creatures were definitely worth it. The gators name is Captain Hook. He is two years old, less than two feet long, and made feral cat noises. But he's quite sweet once you pick him up. I want to paint reptiles. The intricacies of their skin and scales are dizzyingly cool. Yep. That's a phrase.

I feel rosy.

rants: college & sarah jessica parker

I'm feeling absolutely hopeless.
I really got my hopes up about Lewis & Clark. But their financial aid award is about 20,000 dollars less than I can afford. Seriously. 100% demonstrated need my butt. My family hasn't been making ends meet for three years. How the hell do you expect me to be able to afford that much?
Hampshire's package isn't much better. And I had given up on Warren Wilson already.

So basically I have no options. I'm still considering applying to Portland State, but they take six to eight weeks to reach an admission decision.

I refuse to go to the U of A. I know how much of an asshole I sound like, but I would rather not go to college. At least not next year. I can't keep living here. I know I'm going to hate it. Everyone I've talked to this year (the real people, not the creepy creep fellows) has told me how much they regret staying here. And it hasn't gotten any better, not for this entire year. I have to go somewhere else. I don't even care what I do. I have to get out.

Second:
They're making, or I guess I should say they've made, a sequel to the Sex in the City movie. The first one dragged on for nearly three hours. I never saw it, but fans and non-fans of the series both told me it was excruciatingly dull and lacked the charm of the TV version.

It is beyond me why they feel the need to make another one. I am so tired of these women. Yeah, yeah. You like clothes and you're bad a relationships only now you're old. No one cares. It's all crass and tacky and pretend-witty. Seriously.

Sarah Jessica Parker needs to move on to mature roles. Or perhaps just out of show business.

I can't believe this is how I occupy my time.

I've had better days.

quickie

A review of good things from the past few days:

-duckies, Penelope & Franklin
-http://www.shop.sheandhim.com/
-OFFICIAL INVITE TO A LUNCHEON WITH SAPPHIRE
-first banjo lesson in over three weeks, tales of Warren Wilson, and a free copy of Clarke Buehling - Out of his Gourd: Early American Gourd Banjo Instrumentals and Songs (FOUR STARS)
-I won a prom ticket and shirt and only spent $1
-Saba and I are both going to prom with Tyler Ss.
-after being crushed for five minutes upon news of my dream dress being sold THAT SAME DAY from cheap thrills, I found a beigey-peach lacy thing that I tried on. And it fit. Perfectly. And it was half the price of the other one. And the there's pale pink ribbon on the bottom which means I CAN WEAR MY JACKIE KENNEDY HAT TO PROM.
-I received the Alpha Phi Alpha scholarship. Which is a black fraternity.


Polly wolly doodle.

shock & awe

I've been meaning to update for a bit, and haven't found the time. But I suppose this is an event worth bloggin about.

I will be one of the four student speakers at the FHS Graduation Class of 2010.

wat.

Seriously, I can't wrap my head around it. I mean, I know it's not life changing news or anything, but I've certainly never spoken a word in front of that many people, let alone sung, alone. (This is how I begin. Oh yeah. I went there.) I am honored to have been selected. It really is one of those things I'll always remember. There were way more girls than guys, and I went up against a lot of intelligent ladies. And gentlemen. But I'm the only female. It's totally surreal. I don't think I'll really get used to the idea until May 20th.

Which is all too soon and too far away all at once.

In other news, Summer of Solutions is alive and thriving. On Saturday, Sabz, Joel, Amanda, and I weeded the garlic patch at OMNI. And yesterday about 10 of us joined Mr. Steven Skattebo (who is terrific) to pick up pine cones and plant potatoes. It was messy and fun, and an exciting taste of what's to come. I grow more excited every day (just as our little rootlings grow up from the ground. I'm sorry, I totes could not resist).

I swear to the god of Itunes and twitter (HEY MICHELLE LOOK)that I will post Spring Break Fashion aysap. But at the moment, I must do some chem and practice for the Ramay Forensics demonstration tomorrow.

BEST NEWS OF THE WHOLE DAY: SAPPHIRE (as in Precious based on the novel PUSH BY SAPPHIRE)is coming to the library. Which remains exciting, but not news. HOWEVER, Saba informed me today that SAPPHIRE is having a special invite-only writer's conference after her public talk. And the creative writing classes are going. AND MAYBE LITMAG IS ALSO INVITED. AS IN WE GET TO MEET SAPPHIRE.
In the words of Banah, "Maybe I should actually read Push first, or see Precious." Still the best news of the day.

Since turning 18, I have not yet used my new powers. I have not purchased OxyClean from the new NOT Billy Mays TV guy, porn, a shotgun, or cigs, although I definitely considered it at the gas station the other day. But this Friday, I am going to my first real A Good Fight show at George's (real meaning I'm not crouching in the corner backstage or standing at the front door). And then HEARTLESS BASTARDS are playing FO' FREE on Sunday. I CANNOT WAIT.

Oh. And I got my "I can vote now" card in the mail the other day. Hooray.

Life is good. Except for always busy. But it's still good.

I'm reading Maya Angelou

I took a four hour nap today.

Other than that, all I basically did was eat and watch tv (okay, I did give Sunday a bath, but that was early in the morning). But I don't really feel bad. It was nice to spend all day in my nightgown.

Spring break has come and gone again. I was productive, but I don't feel like it. I'm kind of ready to go back to school.

We have 7 mondays left.

Also, I need to devote a post each to 1) Spring Break shopping finds and 2) Nancy Drew the Phantom of Venice. But I need to finish that first. Fer shure.

This is a pointless post, but I'm too sleepy to care and too lazy to erase it.

history

Just a little while ago, I watched as President Obama signed the health care bill with 22 different pens (which sounded even funnier coming from Diane Sawyer). I clapped, my mom clapped, and Sunday climbed on my lap and tried to lick my face. It was a memorable moment.

Now I'm studying for my mormon health final exam. It's discussing health care coverage, and attempts in the past to provide universal coverage (ie. Hillary). It also mentions how Hawaii already provides universal coverage to everyone in their state, which I didn't know.

But now that's going to have to be rewritten. I'm reading text that is 20 minutes outdated. It's a cool feeling.

I have renewed faith in this administration, and this country. It is easy to give in to cynicism, like the President said today. But that's not solutionary. We have to work together. Lords knows this bill went through a hell of a lot of compromise and negotiation already, and it certainly has steady opposition brewing as I write. But I can't help but rejoice in this moment! This is a landmark of our generation.

As of yet, I really don't know the ins and outs of this bill. But I plan to find out. I'm just excited that finally, finally, America has joined every other industrialized nation. I just hope it wasn't too rushed. I hope to God it is functional.

When I was sitting on my couch, watching the coverage of the signing ceremony, I was struck by the weight of the moment. Truly, it didn't hit me until then that all of this fighting and compromising and talk talk talk actually means something. Of course I understand that action is what it's all about. But until I stopped to think about how it's going to affect my family, whether or not we're going to choose the government option, how wonderful it is for a newly-turned 18 year old like me that now, under this bill, I can be covered under my parents' care until I'm Eddie's age, it felt separate. Something that pundits and people on facebook and kids from Idaho [we're facebook friends now and I creep on his republican statuses] argue about.
But now it's real! It's here!

Caloo, callay!

Also, VOLUME TWO IS OUT SLK:JEK:W:KL:WKL:WKL!!!! I can't wait I can't wait. Oh my gosh. And it's free pastry day at Starbucks. I'm pretty sure I haven't set foot inside a Starbucks since sophomore year. In fact, I think it was the day we saw Sicko, oddly enough.

I wonder how Michael Moore is celebrating.

Pastels

Shoot. I have so much to do tonight. But I would rather blog instead? So productive.

Last night, I had a really vivid dream about hiking with my family, except it didn't start being my actual family until later in the dream. Also we were hiking on Brooks Mountain. Like, up Pete's driveway. Then the cops came, and I talked to them, and they were very suspicious. They tell me that neighbors have reported a house fire (no idea where that came from), all while people are screaming at each other in the background. So then the cops and I go back to the rest of my family, and Ryan tells me, "Don't worry, I got this." And so we all introduce ourselves to the cops, and Ryan pretends to be retarded. It was so funny, and so bizarre. I have no idea why I dreamt that. The night before last, I dreamed there was some weird futuristic revolutionary world, and we were hiding out in the litmag room, which then turned into a house, and like all of the people in school were there, but then it was just five of us, and then we had to pose as a family that was supposed to be living in this random house... I really don't know. But I've been having really detailed dreams like this lately.

In other news, I had straight hair today. A lot of people reacted a lot more enthusiastically than usual. Including Suzie Stewart. And I bought this after school:


$2! It was 50% off. It doesn't fit around my head completely but I DON'T CARE.

Maybe I'll wear it to prom. Which is in a month? What? I believe it at all. Today Mr. Spencer said, "You'll be all done before you know it". I believe that.

Okay. Focus time. Readygo.

"Criminally adorable"

That's how Pitchfork describes this video. It's the truth.



I've watched this at least seven times since it premiered. Yesterday.

Volume Two is only thirteen days away! And my 18th birthday is exactly one week from today! I'm so excited, even though I don't have any use for cigarettes, rifles, porn, or OxyClean. But I'll be able to go George's, finally. And voting. That's cool too. I need to make some birthday plans.

In other exciting She & Him news, Jeric and I worked on our TCTTW act today. It's going to be so wonderful! I can hardly wait.

I have a million things to do for school, but I'm so unmotivated. I'll probably watch In the Sun again.

Sweetheart, bitter heart OR my first college interview

As I entered the Springdale Holiday Inn, I knew from the moment my mother told me to adjust my purse strap so as to not emphasize my chest that my 24 hour Fellowship Interview Extravaganza was going to be oodles of fun.

The lobby was filled with tables and people in polos whose helpfulness was kind of creepy at first. And those were only the people in charge of check-in. I didn't recognize as many of the kids as I expected to. I mean, between choir, forensics, AGS, and ACE, I usually recognize people at high school functions. But I really only knew a handful of people, and not at first. I just waited for my parents to go to their table and booked it up to my room. Conveniently, my roommate and I were on the same elevator. Her name was Katie from Kansas. She was very nice and let me borrow her straightener. So I talked to her some and we went back down to the lobby together. I tried to introduce her to the big group of Fayetteville kids, but then I saw Libby Wolfe, who I hadn't seen at all since July 25th, and I got really excited, and I think I scared Katie off.

At dinner, I ended up sitting next to a boy all the way from Boise, Idaho named Clinton Peter. He plays cello and guitar and piano and lacrosse. He also had a really graphic foot surgery that he, Cali Angela Wang, and Yibo discussed in detail (he wants to be a reconstructive plastic surgeon; the latter two worked at a hospital this summer, involving something called a "blood bucket". Charming, right?) Clinton was nice and interesting, a snowboarder, not a potato farmer. He actually asked me the small talk questions, which is not usually the case when I meet someone at things like this. And it wasn't awkward, it was nice. He turned out to be a Republican who likes the same music as 9th grade Andrea, but we ended on good terms. He told me to add him on facebook. I don't think he actually learned my name ever.

Highlights of the...weekend (Sunday/Monday)? trip (...to Springdale ?) experience (something like that) would be:
-wearing panty hose on the first day when most people were in jeans
-stuffing my already full belly with the vegetarian pasta that the nice people at the hotel served me (in a really freaking huge bowl)
-being saved from my awkward cleavage "mentor" (and also from not remembering to pack pjs...)at Pomfret by Emily
-seeing Annie Wang sprint in high heels (she's incredibly spry), and
-watching the Oscars with Maddie Hooper and the two University chaperons in the hotel bar because channel 7 didn't work anywhere else.
Also all of the fifty gazillion cookies I ate.

I don't have much to say about the actual interview. I think it went well. I wrote about corn and celebrities in my timed essays. Heh. Find out in a week.

The rest of today felt very productive. I rode a bus with my mommy, escaped creepy creep hick old men ("I liike yer flowur... it's on the wrohnge siide. Heh. Heh.") on the bus with my mommy, watched Ellen, finished As I Lay Dying (which is possibly my favorite book we've read in Lit), bounced at WOW with Michelle, and went to Banah's, where we ate mango, read (and lied) to Keeno, and played feisty Feist on the piano.

See? You see what I did there?

But I got up at 5:30 this morning. The three cups of coffee and five cups of tea are wearing off now.

Sidenote- today was Mimi's 69th birthday. I had such a nice phone conversation with her just a little while ago. It wasn't forced, really, not at all. It was casual and enjoyable. Surprisingly. I mean, that's always how I try to talk to my relatives, but not usually how it works. Anyway.

There are like 40 days of school left.

Dilluted intensity

That's how this day has been and that's how I feel all the time. I'm constantly busy, happily so, but in the moment most the time I really just want to lay around.

Today, in choir, Mrs. Fincher turned off all the lights and made us close our eyes and hold hands while we sang O Magnum Mysterium. It sounded incredible. And it felt as though it lasted for ten minutes or something. When she turned on the lights she was crying. And then she said, "It just breaks my heart that some of you will never sing again." And then the seniors gave her a big group hug... and then we started thinking about leaving... and it was so weird and unexpected. That kind of reality check, without warning. Actually, a few minutes before she said that, I was looking around, thinking about next year, how all these faces around me won't be there. It's strange to think I'm a second-semester senior right now. It sure doesn't feel like I expected it would. It just feels like normal except I have to pretend like I'm going to college next year. Which I am. Which I'm completely excited about. But it still doesn't feel real.

So the rest of the day after choir has been rather foggy. I've felt emotionally drained. Exhausted. Spent.

This past weekend was really nice because:
1. We found half of a bison sticking out of a wall.
2. The Reader's Theatre that Michelle & I spent many hours writing won first place at Southside. Which means we're finally qualified for State, after competing three other times.
3. I won first place in storytelling with Saba's favorite childhood story about kidnapped children and pretending to cut off your feet.
4. I got my first real college acceptance letter- to Warren Wilson! I won't know about financial aid until I fill out another form, but, still! They want me! I have no idea if I'll actually go there, but it's a such a nice feeling.
5. A Midsummer Night's Dream was thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining. It was so nice to be in the audience! I loved it, start to finish.

Yesterday was Casmir Pulaski Day. And not just because it was March 1st, like the Sufjan song says, but because it was the first Monday in March. Also, March means my birthday. Means I'm going to be 18 years old. Means I can buy a shotgun and go to bars. The high life.

Also yesterday I wore Karina's gray cable knit sweater, cool wrappy apple skirt, and her spaceman coat. Today I wore a green waffle shirt and a shortish skirt and purple tights and gray boots and I felt like Becky Cox.

I'm very excited about the musical ventures that I'm involved in right now. They are definitely coming along. But I don't want to say too much, because one is secret and one is easily jinxed, I think.

Oh oh oh you spent them, you have gone and dreampt them

I should stop titling my posts after song lyrics. That is so xanga. That one's from Ra Ra Riot's "Ghost Under Rocks". Found that in the recesses of my all songs considered podcasts. It's a nice little discovery. Lotsa good stuff.

I should also stop being so melodramatic on here. I was pretty upset yesterday, but it wasn't a big deal. I got cheered up and it's okay now.

FAYETTEVILLE DOMINATED ACE TODAY. Beat Lincoln and "Grahv-ay" (as one spunky local apparently corrected us) with 40 points, which means we are most likely going to be in the semi finals. Which means top 6, which is exciting. Probably better than we've ever done in the recent past. Also, we finally dressed accordingly for the event:


We love Mardi Gras. Note D.A. Young blending into the background and JWang's bling. Heh.

Denisse and I mingled with the other teams in Lincoln's couch-filled libraries, under ceilings of hanging cds memorializing soldiers (???) And D.A. Young bought us food at Acambaro just like old times. It was great.

Then we had fruit loop tea at the Tearoom, planned the most exciting sleepover in the history of sleepovers, and giggled like junior high girls. Then I ran around scholarshipping, and now I'm about to go to WOW fitness for the first time in a month. It's disgusting how inactive I am. I wonder sometimes how real people find the time to exercise. Real people as in people other than the ones I know (excluding Pete, Eddie, and Jordan, who make time all the time. Okay. And Michelle. Yeah, I guess it's just me.)

UGHGHGH FULL TUMMY. Seriously, though, go look up Dreamend's "If Only For a Day". It's so nice. And there's banjo in it!

__________________________________________________
I feel it is necessary to update this evening. I went to kickboxing and enjoyed it a whole lot- until the end. During the cool down, my vision started doing that cloudy dark thing that happens sometimes when I stand up too quickly or the lighting suddenly adjusts. The muscles in my eyes tense up, and it's dark, and then it fades back in. It happens periodically. But tonight, it happened while I was exercising, and it didn't just fade away quickly. It lingered for at least a minute, while I heard a strident noise ("coming from the baby's room!"). And everything else sounded like it was underwater. It was WEIRD. My first thought was "Am I having a stroke?" Sounds like I've been exposed to far too many hospital dramas. I wasn't having a stroke, and I didn't faint, my secondary guess. I'm fine now, but it's still a little scary. Nothing like that has ever happened to me.

Also my mother and brother are sick. In bed, moaning, gross sick. :( At least I'm leaving for All State tomorrow. Hopefully I won't catch anything. Except exhaustion. I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow, and the days to come, because it's so tiring and I feel so behind in all my classes. But hey, it's a choir trip. It'll be enjoyable. At times.

Also, tomorrow is the first day of lent and the day we leave for All State which technically means it'll be my anniversary of going veggie. Weird. Not that I miss anything about eating meat, but it just doesn't feel like it's been that long. Time flies when you're not consuming flesh.

Tomorrow is also a month until I'm 18 years old. Which is even weirder. Very exciting, but weird. I don't feel like I'm that old. When I was little, I always thought 17 was the ideal age. When you're supposed to be pretty and perfect and happy and young but mostly grown up and everything is wonderful. Right. What a good image of adolescence. This year has been pretty fun, but definitely not my best. I'm not sure that I would change the decisions I made, but it's interesting to think about. I think I would be a different person right now; every little decision changes you. I like to imagine years as sort of a vague elliptical with January and February at the top, March where it starts to turn, and so on. Like a clock. Then there are lines, tracing my progress throughout the year. Like Vonnegut's crayon character lines on wall paper. And when I picture my year clock, it feels like last February is way way way closer than a year ago.

I don't understand time.
Probably I shouldn't imagine my life as a clock, then.

I wonder what that says about my psyche.

this town ain't big enough for the both of us

I can't keep my head on straight for more than a few hours. I always come unhinged, at the slightest things.

What a crappy day.

"Sunday, quit eating cat poop"

oh, what a day.

Actually, today was pretty mild. I mean, compared to yesterday. Compared to the rest of this week. Yesterday I was majorly stressed out. I dropped out of Poetry Out Loud and the Monticello Tournament in one fell swoop, after stressing about it all week, trying to write an oratory and practice a Duo Interp on top of applying for the Robert Byrd scholarship and applying to Warren Wilson. The thought of driving all the way to Monticello and missing even more school, on top of the two day week I have coming up due to ACE and All-State, was really getting me down. As in, I burst into tears when my mom picked me up for my doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon.

But all is well once more. I feel really good about my applications, Monticello has been postponed because of the blizzard brewing below us, Poetry Out Loud happened smoothly without me once again. I kind of wish I had gotten my act together so that I could have competed at least once during high school, but oh well. Doesn't matter any more.

Lots of exciting news in the world of music and film.
I made 33rd chair at All State. One better than last year. Haha. I'm happy, though I do wish I could have been in the mixed choir and able to sing the Eric Whitacre piece. SPEAKING OF COOL CHOIR SONGS HOLY CRAP WE'RE DOING GLEE FOR TCTTW. I began watching Glee during the collective 10 hours on the bus to All State auditions. I had no idea how racy and sassy it was. It impressed me, honestly. Also I can't believe how great the cast is. I had no idea Jane Lynch was in it. She's a goddess.

SO ANYWAY Encore is singing "Somebody to Love" (Fincher announced it "by Queen" and a bunch of people said "Wait, what? You mean like Glee, right?") And we're doing the guy/girl mash ups. I'm so excited. But auditions for solo acts are in a month. A month! I don't even know where this year has gone. I remember scrambling to get an act together last year with Kelly like it was two months ago. Seriously. Agghhg. I'll be out of here before I know it.

BEST NEWS. Banah, Michelle, and I are going to open for Big Bad Gina at Scarpino's in March probably! We don't even have a band, really. I can't even explain how stoked I am. It's so strange and awesome. I hope we don't blow it by procrastinating or something. Also, one of Mr. Buehling's other students wants to start getting all of his students together to jam every once in a while. Also, Will Sharp wants me to revive my Mae Peterson voice for a short film about eating hearts.

Should be an exciting next few weeks.

This is shaping up to be the best Valentine's day ever. Collective card making, gluten-free cupcakes, Valentine's Day banjo lesson, movie date with Pete, lunch with Karina, who asked me to be her Valentine today, and I don't have to go to Monticello. That's the best part. Also there's a seed swap, and OMNI video underground, and International Dance, and Colors Day! Because I'm really really excited about that one.

I very happy right now. I hope it lingers.

Now I'm off to finish some essays and deface my Hannah Montana Walmart Valentines. Heh heh. Comes with a free poster!

green day

clickity click
That's how I spent the last four minutes of my existence. I suggest you do the same.

Buggy was overheating last week, and I've been too scared to drive him until we can get him looked at. So my mom's been taking me to school. Scott has stayed home from school the past two days, which has worked nicely for me, but I'm worried about his grades. Anyway, it's been very enjoyable riding with Mom. She's the best driver I know. She always get's me there on time, and it's really fun adventuring down the shortcut side roads she finds. And we get to talk. We don't usually make time for that on a daily basis.

Waiting for her is a completely different affair. I get very impatient, being at school when it's basically empty, doing nothing. It sends me back to elementary days, the forgotten at soccer practice feeling. She was late today, and it just put me in a rotten mood. But then, as we were driving home, there were several cars at the thrift store on Huntsville Road, the one with stuff on display out front. So I told Mom to slow down, to see if there was anything good. I commented, "Wow" about a pink Mickey Mouse sweatshirt, and she said "What?!" and immediately pulled over. It was awesome.

So that's how I spent an hour of my late afternoon. Sifting through treasures with my mother. Few other things in the world make me feel more at peace than digging through racks of 90's Gap-wear and synthetic fabric. Seriously. This particular store is a little too overpriced, but they were having an EVERYTHING 50% OFF sale. It's such a fun place, because there's a walkway big enough for literally a single person throughout the whole two rooms. The rest is covered with racks and piles of stuff, tables of lamps and toys and cassette tapes and candles, with pairs of shoes stuck everywhere. It should make most people feel claustrophobic but it makes me so happy. I could easily see myself becoming just like the woman who owns that store. Except I would probably run it out of my house. It would be my house. Complete with a cat clock and a corner for any kind of Razorback accessory you could possibly imagine.

I found a really nice pair of tan leather boot clog things, but they were a 9 1/2. They fit, but only barely, and would hurt after a while. I was so close! So close. Not meant to be, I guess. Neither was that sweatshirt we stopped for in the first place. However, I did buy a very nice green purse, brand new, for $2.50. It was an absolutely splendid trip.

I'm leaving tomorrow for Jonesboro. Please pray for serenity on that bus trip and strength for my audition on Friday.

Hooray for green tea.

I should really get over myself

This stressing thing? It happens to everyone. Even within my own realm of existence, stressing out is nothing to write home about. I thrive on over-packing my schedule.

Except right now I really hate everything. I want to finish my poems and drawing so I can get them into litmag before the deadline but I'm feeling so uninspired. I spent THREE stinkin' hours working on chemistry homework tonight. Literally. Not like "work some facebook eat something music fun" homework. I sat at my kitchen table from 6 until 8:39. Being productive, but also getting bogged down, turned around, bassackwards, even with the help of someone much better at chemistry than I am. And I'm still not done. And it's due tomorrow, for a grade. And I have a 70 in there right now.

This on top of the free response part of the Eliminator (a test with a name? Especially a name like that? Yeah. Yikes.) I actually got an A on the multiple choice part, which is definitely a first for me in that class. Still, I'm nervous. Also, ALL STATE AUDITIONS. I thought we were leaving after school on Thursday, when, in reality, we are leaving at 10AM. Meaning I'll miss the ACE game we're hosting, and that I have a two-day week. Surprisingly, I really don't want to miss any more school right now. At all. AND IT'S ALL STATE AUDITIONS AND I HAVEN'T REALLY PRACTICED MUCH AT ALL AND I THOUGHT I DIDN'T REALLY CARE BUT SINCE I'M GOING ALL THE 5 HOURS AWAY TO JONESBORO I'M KIND OF STARTING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT MY LACK OF PREPARATION.

heh. I'm glad the only people who see this love me in spite of my occasional affinity for caps lock and tendency to complain excessively.

I should stop moping.

I'm in the top 15 for Colors Day Court! A dance I have never been to and would be unable to attend even if I won. Haha. It's still fun.

I checked three and 1/2 things off my to-do list today. Drank three cups of tea. Had three free class periods. I get to spend two periods at the One-Acts tomorrow. I ran up five flights of stairs in Old Main and probably looked and sounded like a crazy when I spoke to the secretary at the Honors College office, room 517. Which was the entirely wrong building, anyway.

Maybe I'm in such a foul mood because I bailed on my banjo lesson tonight. I gave Mr. Buehling plenty of notice, but still. Those 40 minutes are always the sunshine of my week. I really didn't have any time this evening, or any other day, and I hadn't really practiced, but I wish I had. I wish I could put more effort into that instrument. I love it so much.

Mom and Scott and I have all been bickering pretty badly for the past two days, but I think we've worked through it. We've all sort of talked, and we're to the joking stage now. I got pretty crazy yesterday. It was the Lewis & Clark deadline. I've been working on my responses all weekend. And yet, on the deadline, I still was not finished. Mom insists on editing anything I write for colleges, understandably, but relying on her and working with her to get finished is very stressful. And, surprise surprise, I did not handle that stress well.

That's all I really want to say about that.

My back and arms are achy and sore. I don't know what I've been doing in my sleep, but it's turning me into a creaky old woman.

I began ND: The Phantom of Venice last night. VERY STRANGE. I'll devote a whole post to it later.

You know, when I have spare time.