I'm sick. Head cold, chest congestion, chills, general feeling of disgustingness. I think my body is physically trying to make me procrastinate studying for my H2P exam. Which is tomorrow.... oh god.
At least my italian test is over. It was hard, but I probably got a B. I've skipped EnviSci for two days. I've had good reason, but I really need to get out of the habit.
Make me blue forever, like an island sky.
I've been really down lately. I always get depressed at the beginning of the school year. I went to the counseling center on campus, finally. That was an ordeal in itself, but my actual consultation went well. I still haven't heard from anyone about it, though. Which makes me think they don't have any openings.
I genuinely wanted to drop out of school on Saturday. I just... I hate it here sometimes. I was so excited at the beginning and I've been so disappointed. There's nothing here. I've met a couple of really awesome people, but that's it. I don't know. I always feel isolated. I've never really gotten over that. I think it's worse when I'm surrounded by people all the time.
There are just too many sad things right now.
I hope I still get to go to the Rally to restore sanity. I hope I'm well enough to even go.
bleghalkdx.
K. Time to actually study.
25 October 2010
13 October 2010
Two Worlds
I feel like reflecting.
There's a lot floating around in my head right now, and my thoughts feel like paint splatter. But I'll go ahead with my two most recent activities of the night, Blues and the GA Media Team call.
Tonight was my fourth blues dancing class. It's gotten smaller each time since I've been, down to four tonight: Chelsea James; the instructor, Megan; Michael, a math graduate student and the lone male; and myself. I would consider us the core of the class, even before tonight. Even though there is only one guy, and even though I feel like I could be doing a better job of leading than he most the time, I really, really like blues. As far as dance goes, it's so chill. It is all about lagging. There is no rhythm, inherently. It's all whatever you and your partner are doing right then and there. And there are no specific blues moves. It's a combination of lots of other dances, but it has its own style. Whenever I've tried to explain it to people, I think it comes off very lame, something along the lines of, "Well, it's dancing to blues music, with a partner, and it's really cool...."
But it really is.
Every time Megan starts talking about "dance culture", I get kind of bashfully excited. Because I want to understand, and be a part of that, and go to competitions and meet these great people she talks about and the djs and the scene. It's terrible to be so instantly motivated. I have, what, four hours experience at this? But it is such a different world for me. My dance experience boils down to TCTTW, Charleston in AP Block, and making a fool of myself for 9th grade Woodland Cowgirls Dance Tryouts omg omg. And Pete and Michelle and I did delve pretty deeply into modern experimental dance for Einstein on the Beach (Words and Music last year). But that was still three kids who knew basically nothing about dance trying to do something edgy and bizarre and cool.
Dance is something I've always admired from a far, like rock climbing or Canada. I've never had direct experience for more than a few weeks. Now, I definitely can't say I'm not one of those people who's always wanting people to have dance parties or play better dancing music at prom. But as an art, dance is something I've only felt connected to when I'm watching Gotta Kick it Up. But blues feels so right, so within my grasp. It doesn't necessarily come easily to me; my slight tendency to be physically awkward is magnified tenfold when faced with a large mirror/physical activity/anything sexy. Blues has all of these things, and so whenever we begin class with solo blues in front of the mirror, my flexibility and fluidity go out the window. I feel like I start from square one each time. And I quickly catch up, but still. I'm fighting my un-athleticism that's haunted me since softball. Most times, this wins out. But not with blues. I have this feeling that suddenly it's going to come to me, I'm going to get it, get the pulse and the nuances and musicality that Megan is always talking about. It's already starting, on a small scale. I know it will just take time.
Then there's activism world, environmental world, Grand Aspirations and national conference calls and being accosted for vegetarianism ahhhhh. I guess what I'm feeling is this increasing sense that most people aren't as holistically connected to ideals as I am. What I mean is that I care about the environment. I think a large number, if not a majority, of my peers would agree with that statement. But the vast majority don't devote their lives to that. Which is fine. I'm not saying they should. But I do. I'm emotional, and when I get committed to someone or something, I dig in deep. So when some asshole starts picking a fight with me over how I eat, I get pretty upset, because I feel very strongly about not eating animals. It is an integral part of the person I am, because it affects me everyday and goes along with the things I care about and the activities I'm involved in. I work on gardens and Summer of Solutions and climate issues and women's empowerment because all of those things are important to me as a means of fixings the problems that I see. Vegetarianism is a part of that solution. There's no disconnect between me being involved in environmental issues and work and my dietary habits. They all stem from the same part of of who I am. There's a very good chance I'm not making sense anymore. Maybe I'm just not reacting well to the guy I met tonight who tried to argue with me about climate change, because the earth has had a much rapid change than what we're experiencing now. Except, of course, there were no people on it at that time. His response was there's nothing we can do anyway. Well, goddammit, there is something we can do about it. You can't just say "Fuck it" and doom everyone. Sorry, I can't live like that. I can't. Because I want to have kids, and I can't have kids if I'm just going to be bringing them into a world that is only going to be more poisoned and hostile and sad.
I intended this to be more about my role in GA and the national green economy scene, but that guy really got to me. And I'm frustrated because of Holly. She can't sleep with the typing. And I'm tired, too. So I guess I'll leave this at that.
There's a lot floating around in my head right now, and my thoughts feel like paint splatter. But I'll go ahead with my two most recent activities of the night, Blues and the GA Media Team call.
Tonight was my fourth blues dancing class. It's gotten smaller each time since I've been, down to four tonight: Chelsea James; the instructor, Megan; Michael, a math graduate student and the lone male; and myself. I would consider us the core of the class, even before tonight. Even though there is only one guy, and even though I feel like I could be doing a better job of leading than he most the time, I really, really like blues. As far as dance goes, it's so chill. It is all about lagging. There is no rhythm, inherently. It's all whatever you and your partner are doing right then and there. And there are no specific blues moves. It's a combination of lots of other dances, but it has its own style. Whenever I've tried to explain it to people, I think it comes off very lame, something along the lines of, "Well, it's dancing to blues music, with a partner, and it's really cool...."
But it really is.
Every time Megan starts talking about "dance culture", I get kind of bashfully excited. Because I want to understand, and be a part of that, and go to competitions and meet these great people she talks about and the djs and the scene. It's terrible to be so instantly motivated. I have, what, four hours experience at this? But it is such a different world for me. My dance experience boils down to TCTTW, Charleston in AP Block, and making a fool of myself for 9th grade Woodland Cowgirls Dance Tryouts omg omg. And Pete and Michelle and I did delve pretty deeply into modern experimental dance for Einstein on the Beach (Words and Music last year). But that was still three kids who knew basically nothing about dance trying to do something edgy and bizarre and cool.
Dance is something I've always admired from a far, like rock climbing or Canada. I've never had direct experience for more than a few weeks. Now, I definitely can't say I'm not one of those people who's always wanting people to have dance parties or play better dancing music at prom. But as an art, dance is something I've only felt connected to when I'm watching Gotta Kick it Up. But blues feels so right, so within my grasp. It doesn't necessarily come easily to me; my slight tendency to be physically awkward is magnified tenfold when faced with a large mirror/physical activity/anything sexy. Blues has all of these things, and so whenever we begin class with solo blues in front of the mirror, my flexibility and fluidity go out the window. I feel like I start from square one each time. And I quickly catch up, but still. I'm fighting my un-athleticism that's haunted me since softball. Most times, this wins out. But not with blues. I have this feeling that suddenly it's going to come to me, I'm going to get it, get the pulse and the nuances and musicality that Megan is always talking about. It's already starting, on a small scale. I know it will just take time.
Then there's activism world, environmental world, Grand Aspirations and national conference calls and being accosted for vegetarianism ahhhhh. I guess what I'm feeling is this increasing sense that most people aren't as holistically connected to ideals as I am. What I mean is that I care about the environment. I think a large number, if not a majority, of my peers would agree with that statement. But the vast majority don't devote their lives to that. Which is fine. I'm not saying they should. But I do. I'm emotional, and when I get committed to someone or something, I dig in deep. So when some asshole starts picking a fight with me over how I eat, I get pretty upset, because I feel very strongly about not eating animals. It is an integral part of the person I am, because it affects me everyday and goes along with the things I care about and the activities I'm involved in. I work on gardens and Summer of Solutions and climate issues and women's empowerment because all of those things are important to me as a means of fixings the problems that I see. Vegetarianism is a part of that solution. There's no disconnect between me being involved in environmental issues and work and my dietary habits. They all stem from the same part of of who I am. There's a very good chance I'm not making sense anymore. Maybe I'm just not reacting well to the guy I met tonight who tried to argue with me about climate change, because the earth has had a much rapid change than what we're experiencing now. Except, of course, there were no people on it at that time. His response was there's nothing we can do anyway. Well, goddammit, there is something we can do about it. You can't just say "Fuck it" and doom everyone. Sorry, I can't live like that. I can't. Because I want to have kids, and I can't have kids if I'm just going to be bringing them into a world that is only going to be more poisoned and hostile and sad.
I intended this to be more about my role in GA and the national green economy scene, but that guy really got to me. And I'm frustrated because of Holly. She can't sleep with the typing. And I'm tired, too. So I guess I'll leave this at that.
07 October 2010
oh honey you turn me on, I'm a radio
I'm a country station, I'm a little bit corny, I'm a wildwood flower waving for ya.
I haven't been able to get that song out of my head for a few days now.
Also, I didn't sleep last night. At all. Along with Zach, Breana and Flannery. I finished my H2P paper at approximately 7am, with enough time to go back to my room. I did catch a good 30 minutes or so on the CSES couch, only to awake and find myself in the middle of a study session with strangers. Who did not acknowledge my presence whatsoever, even when I stood up and left. It was a little odd.
(I guess that's my appeal to not read this too closely because I'm not really thinking)
But the stress for this week is over! Well, sort of. Second bio test coming up real soon on Monday. If I don't do well on this... I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'm going to study right now.
Did I blog about leaving my laptop on top of my car? Because I did, and it stayed on top all the way up college, through the square and the loop around the library. I need to bake something tasty for the wonderful mystery man who found it.
SPEAKING OF WHICH MY MOTHER BAKED PUMPKIN BREAD AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME.
...I shouldn't be allowed to call this a blog. This is the most trivial crap just dumped from my brain.
OH WELL.
TOMORROW IS LISA FRANK/BROWN DAY. can't wait. Litmag prophecy fulfilled.
so much nutella. so much.
I want to get better at blues dancing. Or just dancing. What I love about all these passionate people I keep meeting, whether they're farmers or yoga instructors or banjo players, is the way they pull you into their world. There are all these intensive communities of weird hobbyists and they all know each other. Meghan, my blues teacher, for example, went to LA last weekend, is going to Austin tomorrow, and to Dallas for Halloween. All for these big dance events. And she'll start talking about all these people she danced with from all over the country and we can stay with if we want to come with her... and it just seems like so much fun. I guess I'm already starting to make those connections among the green economy kids, but it's nice to see into different groups. Interesting, anyway.
School is pretty good right now. I think my paper turned out pretty well, and my bio lab mid term was pretty easy (and got me out of class 2 hours early!), and my italian test is over, and I don't have anyting to worry about tomorrow. At all.
bedtime for bonzo.
I haven't been able to get that song out of my head for a few days now.
Also, I didn't sleep last night. At all. Along with Zach, Breana and Flannery. I finished my H2P paper at approximately 7am, with enough time to go back to my room. I did catch a good 30 minutes or so on the CSES couch, only to awake and find myself in the middle of a study session with strangers. Who did not acknowledge my presence whatsoever, even when I stood up and left. It was a little odd.
(I guess that's my appeal to not read this too closely because I'm not really thinking)
But the stress for this week is over! Well, sort of. Second bio test coming up real soon on Monday. If I don't do well on this... I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'm going to study right now.
Did I blog about leaving my laptop on top of my car? Because I did, and it stayed on top all the way up college, through the square and the loop around the library. I need to bake something tasty for the wonderful mystery man who found it.
SPEAKING OF WHICH MY MOTHER BAKED PUMPKIN BREAD AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME.
...I shouldn't be allowed to call this a blog. This is the most trivial crap just dumped from my brain.
OH WELL.
TOMORROW IS LISA FRANK/BROWN DAY. can't wait. Litmag prophecy fulfilled.
so much nutella. so much.
I want to get better at blues dancing. Or just dancing. What I love about all these passionate people I keep meeting, whether they're farmers or yoga instructors or banjo players, is the way they pull you into their world. There are all these intensive communities of weird hobbyists and they all know each other. Meghan, my blues teacher, for example, went to LA last weekend, is going to Austin tomorrow, and to Dallas for Halloween. All for these big dance events. And she'll start talking about all these people she danced with from all over the country and we can stay with if we want to come with her... and it just seems like so much fun. I guess I'm already starting to make those connections among the green economy kids, but it's nice to see into different groups. Interesting, anyway.
School is pretty good right now. I think my paper turned out pretty well, and my bio lab mid term was pretty easy (and got me out of class 2 hours early!), and my italian test is over, and I don't have anyting to worry about tomorrow. At all.
bedtime for bonzo.
05 October 2010
his face is white as february snow
I think the only thing I don't try to be open-minded about is close-mindedness.
Maybe that makes me just as bad. I don't know.
But listening to fundamental christian values, conventional toxic farming practices, and homophobia really gets to me. Really, really gets to me. Dr. Wolfe even noticed I was in a bad mood.
And if I have to hear one more thing about crossbows, deer season, or rifle descriptions, I am going to shove tofu down somebody's throat.
Holly put me in my place, though. I was complaining to her about all these things, and my frustration at being in an environmental program here rather than at Warren Wilson, Lewis & Clark, or any of the other hippie schools I applied to. But she reminded me that I have to be the pioneer. "You have to... strike!" Lots of arm movements were involved. It was really good. I was humbled.
So other than that frustrating afternoon, I got back my first exam in H2P today. I got a 97%! I was RELIEVED. I thought I did so poorly. My roommate got hers back last week and got a 101, but she prepared a lot earlier than I did. So I was nervous. But that makes me feel better about this essay due Thursday. Though I'm afraid my mind will use that as a reason to procrastinate...
And I got a 100 on my last italian quiz. Which is good because I gotta test tomorrow. I have become a believer in flashcards.
Venting done for now.
Life's evening sun
is sinking low
A few more days
and I must go
(interestingly enough, country music shares a lot of roots with these frustrating ideals. But it makes me feel so much better)
Maybe that makes me just as bad. I don't know.
But listening to fundamental christian values, conventional toxic farming practices, and homophobia really gets to me. Really, really gets to me. Dr. Wolfe even noticed I was in a bad mood.
And if I have to hear one more thing about crossbows, deer season, or rifle descriptions, I am going to shove tofu down somebody's throat.
Holly put me in my place, though. I was complaining to her about all these things, and my frustration at being in an environmental program here rather than at Warren Wilson, Lewis & Clark, or any of the other hippie schools I applied to. But she reminded me that I have to be the pioneer. "You have to... strike!" Lots of arm movements were involved. It was really good. I was humbled.
So other than that frustrating afternoon, I got back my first exam in H2P today. I got a 97%! I was RELIEVED. I thought I did so poorly. My roommate got hers back last week and got a 101, but she prepared a lot earlier than I did. So I was nervous. But that makes me feel better about this essay due Thursday. Though I'm afraid my mind will use that as a reason to procrastinate...
And I got a 100 on my last italian quiz. Which is good because I gotta test tomorrow. I have become a believer in flashcards.
Venting done for now.
Life's evening sun
is sinking low
A few more days
and I must go
(interestingly enough, country music shares a lot of roots with these frustrating ideals. But it makes me feel so much better)
03 October 2010
crispy, crispy, benjamin franklin
Regina always finds the right words.
The air is crackling with the promise of autumn today. I watched Beaches with Chelsea today. Her mom keeps the windows and doors open, so we got to feel the cool air silently creep in as the sun went down. It was so nice. The weather and the movie. And Bette Midler. Who is our Blues teacher, completely.
My dad laughed at me today when I asked him to build a fire. Apparently there are temperature rules governing fire-building. I was totally ready, but we had no wood.
Speaking of chopping wood, holy moly we met the cutest guy today at Spenser's Legacy, the animal rescue. He was axing away leftovers from the ice storm. I have new ambition to volunteer.
Bleh. I hope Holly and I can talk soon. She's being weird about my sleeping patterns. As in, she wishes I was magically finished with all of my tasks exactly when she decides she wants to go to sleep. But she won't talk to me about it; I have to find out second-hand. I'm not really sure how to bring it up. But here I am, again, sitting in the lobby because she's asleep. Which is fine. I just kind of feel weird exiting my room as soon as she turns out her light. Hopefully we can resolve it soon.
I started my family tree! I'm amazed at how much Nana remembers. She just starts talking and recalling all these birthdates and marriage stories of people five generations ago, on and on. We've only just started. I don't know if this is a public link, but here's how far we got: Click meee And that's just my Nana's side. I'm pleased. (Fun fact: At least four of my relatives were murdered in that famous Mormon massacre! All right!)
Also, I ate 1040 calories worth of Ben & Jerry's Cake Batter yesterday night. In one sitting, By myself. While watching Letters to Juliet.
I regret nothing.
Oh whoa oo whoaaoooh. Here I am with my heart on floor and my love out the door you should be knockin'...
The air is crackling with the promise of autumn today. I watched Beaches with Chelsea today. Her mom keeps the windows and doors open, so we got to feel the cool air silently creep in as the sun went down. It was so nice. The weather and the movie. And Bette Midler. Who is our Blues teacher, completely.
My dad laughed at me today when I asked him to build a fire. Apparently there are temperature rules governing fire-building. I was totally ready, but we had no wood.
Speaking of chopping wood, holy moly we met the cutest guy today at Spenser's Legacy, the animal rescue. He was axing away leftovers from the ice storm. I have new ambition to volunteer.
Bleh. I hope Holly and I can talk soon. She's being weird about my sleeping patterns. As in, she wishes I was magically finished with all of my tasks exactly when she decides she wants to go to sleep. But she won't talk to me about it; I have to find out second-hand. I'm not really sure how to bring it up. But here I am, again, sitting in the lobby because she's asleep. Which is fine. I just kind of feel weird exiting my room as soon as she turns out her light. Hopefully we can resolve it soon.
I started my family tree! I'm amazed at how much Nana remembers. She just starts talking and recalling all these birthdates and marriage stories of people five generations ago, on and on. We've only just started. I don't know if this is a public link, but here's how far we got: Click meee And that's just my Nana's side. I'm pleased. (Fun fact: At least four of my relatives were murdered in that famous Mormon massacre! All right!)
Also, I ate 1040 calories worth of Ben & Jerry's Cake Batter yesterday night. In one sitting, By myself. While watching Letters to Juliet.
I regret nothing.
Oh whoa oo whoaaoooh. Here I am with my heart on floor and my love out the door you should be knockin'...
01 October 2010
brrrrmbrrrmbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm
It's that time of year! The bikers have descended in all their leather-studded, deep fried, cigarette flavored glory. Time for me to leave to town.
I got an urge the other day to visit my grandmother. So I'm hopefully going to spend tomorrow afternoon in Russellville. My Nana is old. And she's been taking care of my paralyzed grandfather since 2004, without hired help. I don't know how she hasn't worn herself out. Her hands make me happy and sad at the same time.
Anyway, she knows so much about food, and gardening, and sewing, and our family history. She's really into genealogy, like me. Except she has actually done research on it, while I just know what other people have told me and talk about being Irish on my birthday. But that's why I want to visit her. So all her knowledge doesn't just die...
And I have to be honest. I feel guilty for not seeing her more. She and Papa's whole life consists of their house. For the past 6 years, they leave for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and to go to the hospital. That's really it. They want to see us more, and usually I honestly don't want to go. I'll admit that spending a day listening to Fox News and sitting around a kitchen table is not my first choice. But god that's selfish of me. I skipped Nana's birthday to drive to New York and see She & Him. Which was awesome. Really really awesome. But, god. My house-bound grandmother turned 86. I could have at least gone to see her.
So. I hope I'll be there tomorrow.
For now, I'll listen to Sufjan and try to nap through the ripping motors.
I got an urge the other day to visit my grandmother. So I'm hopefully going to spend tomorrow afternoon in Russellville. My Nana is old. And she's been taking care of my paralyzed grandfather since 2004, without hired help. I don't know how she hasn't worn herself out. Her hands make me happy and sad at the same time.
Anyway, she knows so much about food, and gardening, and sewing, and our family history. She's really into genealogy, like me. Except she has actually done research on it, while I just know what other people have told me and talk about being Irish on my birthday. But that's why I want to visit her. So all her knowledge doesn't just die...
And I have to be honest. I feel guilty for not seeing her more. She and Papa's whole life consists of their house. For the past 6 years, they leave for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and to go to the hospital. That's really it. They want to see us more, and usually I honestly don't want to go. I'll admit that spending a day listening to Fox News and sitting around a kitchen table is not my first choice. But god that's selfish of me. I skipped Nana's birthday to drive to New York and see She & Him. Which was awesome. Really really awesome. But, god. My house-bound grandmother turned 86. I could have at least gone to see her.
So. I hope I'll be there tomorrow.
For now, I'll listen to Sufjan and try to nap through the ripping motors.
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