that's a long story for another night

Hallway eavesdropping make the best titles. "C'mon, shut the door. It's storytime, it's STORYTIME. You can have a cookie, you wanna cookie? C'mon." They're talking about some facebook interaction.

As always, I'm way too tired and up too late.

Maybe I really do have ADD. My mother tries to diagnose everyone, all the time, with everything. She means well, and most the time has rational basis for it, but it gets annoying after a while. But I'm starting to notice how much I'm in my own head all the time and how distracted I can become because of some very minor thing. I also seriously considered trying anti-depressants again. Not because I had a particularly low point this weekend or anything, but... I don't know. The idea came to me and I thought about it and, even though I don't want to be zombiefied, which has happened in the past, or participate in the epidemic of over-prescription running rampant in this country, I have to admit to myself that I have not given anti-depressants a serious try in several years. And they might honestly help me. I really don't know. But, then there's also the cost. At this point, I really don't want to add any extra costs onto my parents. They have way too many bills to pay, and my mom still, after three years, has not found a job. Maybe some day, but not right now.

Parts of my dreams are popping into my mind suddenly: large, old-victorian houses with extensive underground systems, undesirable neighbors, front porches, anxiety, slides.

This thanksgiving break really did make me thankful. I'm thankful that I can be honest about my not-so-picturesque first semester with some people. I still have to lie through my teeth to most of my family, which sucks, but I don't want to tell them and they don't want to hear it. But other people going through the same thing do, and so I am at least thankful for that honesty.
I'm thankful for adults who still believe that there are grander things in life still worth striving for. Who don't want to be complacent. Who don't think their lives are over.
I'm thankful for cats and dogs and all the joy they provide.
I'm thankful for pecan pie.
I'm thankful for growth in the winter, mystery berries, green onions, burning bushes, and people who like plants like I like plants.
I'm thankful for silly people and interactions that aren't at all forced. I like being genuine, but I don't always act that way because I feel the need to put on in certain situations. And it always sucks. So I'm thankful for the people who make me feel always comfortable and happy and giggly.
I'm always thankful for my family, my wonderful brothers and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and john cole who is practically a member of my family, anyway. I am more than blessed to have so many people I love live so close together.

That was cheesy and conventional. Like a microwave pizza. Which can be very delicious, if you pat the grease off.

daddy's ghost behind you

This weekend was not at all what I expected. I'm stunned, but it's been nice.

Walker Park Community Garden hit a bump in the road today. After the great success of our public interest meeting, we weren't exactly sure what to do next, so we made some plans and decided to dive in. Which meant gathering cardboard to lay down on our site, to start conditioning the ground during the winter, so we could get some soil that wasn't dominated by rocks and construction leftovers. But we kind of didn't consult anyone about this plan of action. I mean, we've been working on this project since August, mostly independently. So it didn't seem immediately necessary to have this (what seemed to us) minor action approved, since we had already received a letter of approval from the city.

But we were kind of wrong.

Lisa, our contact at city parks and rec and also leader of the Fayetteville Community Garden Coalition, had been communicating with Seth, one of the members of our team, since this group's inception. She's been working closely with us, but mostly through Seth. So on Friday, when she spoke to Seth about all the reasons why we shouldn't be laying down cardboard yet, she assumed we would get the message, but we didn't. So poor Katy had to tell us for her and receive all of our looks of disappointment.

The good news is, though, that the city is not halting our garden, and we now have a nice chunk of cardboard in storage. And we still have lots time and interest. But it was a damper to STILL not have something tangible to show for all of our talking. I mean, pretty much every Tuesday since mid-August we've been talking and talking and talking about this garden. Which is great. It's so much fun and so inspiring to be a part of this discussion. But I think we were all a little anxious to actually do something. I know I was.

It was also a little frustrating to hear that the city thinks we're unorganized, enough to want to shut us down! Because I think we've been doing our best. Several of have worked in community groups before, and I think we've all done a good job of being painstaking in our planning and brainstorming, being open to all the possibilities, documenting our process, and following up on our tasks. I mean, we've failed at communication lately, but that's a recent issue. Personally, I've been trying to anticipate these kinds of problems as much as possible, so I'm disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

But it's not good to dwell on. We're still alive and kickin and I'm definitely still excited.

Next task: Binder decoration.

Also a five page paper by Tuesday morning.........heeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ps: also sweet yam costume for BenFaytonetteville thanksgiving! That'll be my reward for finishing Ramayananaanananna

Glenn Beck is an asshole.

surface

If you've been paying attention to my poorly-disguised complaints of the past few months, you may have gathered that I have not been enjoying my college experience thus far. Yes, I've had pleasant days and my classes are enjoyable, but, as a whole, not much to write home about, mostly because home is ten minutes away.

But.

I came to a realization today, after spending two hours on the blustery Old Main lawn with two of my favorite ladies, that I am starting to feel at home here. Home in the sense of familiarity with people, "fitting in", so to speak. Because I immediately felt familiar here, at Pomfret and the campus and everything. My surroundings were never really an issue. But socially, I've been upset. Disappointed. Frustrated. I came here with an open mind, pretty high expectations to meet new people and be intellectually stimulated and bla la lalla lalla l!!!!! So, I soon discovered a lot of the people here are not very much like me. In some ways, yes, but not on a level deeper than, "Hey, i like your shoes." "Thanks." "See you in bio." And I'm just not good with visceral relationships. I like to spill my guts and you to spill yours and they mix together in a big bowl of friendship juices and then we poop our pants laughing. Not something easily, or immediately, accomplished.

All in all, I've been feeling lonely, which isn't something new. That's how my depression manifests itself a lot of the time. But recognizing that doesn't usually make it any better. I feel isolated sometimes, and I think that was made worse by being constantly bombarded with many characteristics of human existence that I really don't care for.

My point: Today I realized that that is stupid. I have lots of people that I like who care about me. I knew that... but I understood. There's no more poetic way to put it. The people I hang out with are really great people. I have a wonderful family and close friends here in town and far away. But they're still there. And they still love me. I know this sounds angsty and more appropriate for junior high but it's taken me a while to get to this point. Again. Hopefully you're only reading this if you're someone who won't hold that against me. And if not, why are you here?



So, things are looking up. Just in time for the end of the semester. Then friends will be home and cookies will be baked and books will be read and rollercoaster tycoon will be played and winter will freeze us together.

just waiting

Cars have not been cooperating lately.

I got a flat tire last night, which has never happened to me before. Luckily, Joel was there and walked me through everything, so it was minimally stressful. But then, I went to get it fixed today, and it turns out it is unfixable. Blew the side of the tire, so I have to buy an entirely new one. Which is pretty expensive. And I hate cars, and driving them, and I know I have to buy one, but I still don't want to. So that pissed me off, and going to Walmart pissed me off, and so I pulled out in front of someone in the parking lot and didn't even care. Which is bad. I should definitely care about reckless driving.

And then tonight, I was pulling out of one of the student parking lots after I got back from blues, and I pushed down on the gas instead of the brake... if you've ever done that, you understand how physically disorienting and scary it is. Everything was fine, but I seriously could have killed someone. It really shook me up.

So, I especially hate cars right now.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving break. it's only a total of 5 days, but I have a feeling it will do me a lot of good.

The Habitote I used today at walmart had a big ole rip in the side. And I broke a pair of nail clippers this morning. Add that to my busted tire. I'm on a roll.

If you have not yet experienced the glory that is Braum's Gingerbread Ice Cream (Special Holiday Flavor), go. Right now. Drop everything you are doing. It is the best thing you will ever have ever.

I want to read Loretta Lynn's memoir. A new addition was published lately. She seems like an interesting lady.

I'm pretty tired. This is a kind of downer of a day, I guess.

holding, holding, holding on

I feel so behind.

Which is kind of terrible. I mean, this feeling isn’t entirely based on the internet, but lots of my feelings of being neglectful and overwhelmed stem from the mass of unread emails and facebook notifications and blog updates. Which is pretty sad.

It’s also pretty sad how madly I want to reply to emails from my bio lab teacher and confess my love. All the time. [If you could see the smileys on my quizzes, you’d understand.]

But I am pretty behind. I went to DC this weekend! And it was awesome! I mean, we actually didn’t see a whole lot of the rally. Because, if you couldn’t tell, there were a lot of people there. Like, a LOT. But they were all really nice people. Seriously, the most polite crowd I’ve ever been apart of. I still can’t get over how kind and welcoming everyone was. The mood and the signs and the feeling of, well, physically being a part of a rally made it so much fun. I am a sucker for things that make me feel like something bigger than myself. Rallies are definitely one of those things. I hadn’t been to one since November 1st, 2008., almost exactly two years earlier. That one is still my favorite. I can’t describe how that made me feel.

I’m feeling not welcome here, lately. Here, as in the U of A, pomfret, even my room sometimes. Holly is talking on the phone right now, but earlier she was trying to sleep. And I had things to do. I feel bad that I keep her up, but I also feel bad stressing myself out over that, because I have just as much right to be here as she does. That reasoning usually doesn’t make me feel better. But she’s out of the room right now, so I’m fine.

Tonight, we had our public meeting for the Walker Park Community Garden, and it was a great success! We had about fifteen or so new attendants, of different ages and backgrounds, and they all had a lot to contribute. The energy in the room was contagious. Props to Serena for making everyone comforatable right off the bat. It went very well. I’m pretty sure everyone there is going to be involved, and that makes me so happy. I have a really good feeling about the success of this project. Also, the food was absolutely delicious, so more sparkles to Serena.

With the help of some sweet antibiotics, I’m slowly getting over this nasty cold that’s been nipping at me for two weeks. Probably not the best condition to be in when spending 44 hours in a car, but hey. I didn’t die. And my cough is getting better already.

I’ve been spending a lot of time at home lately, and reflecting on that fact a lot too. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I don’t. I honestly enjoy being around my family, and being somewhere where I don’t have to wear shoes to use the bathroom or wear pants to do anything. That voice in the back of my mind keeps saying I should be having the college experience or whatever. But that’s stupid. What is that, anyway? Something that’s been constructed by countless movie and TV images trying to dictate a certain type of whatever? I hate when I get caught in that mess of pop culture product-ness that makes me disappointed for not living up to a fake standard subconsciously constructed by things I hate.

That’s to say, I love my family and my dogs and my cats and I like not wearing pants.

Lately, I’ve been mourning the fact that I wasn’t born a musical genius. I would so love to just rely on banjo and singing for everything. Which I probably couldn’t let myself do even if I were a musical genius. But I do wish I had more of a drive to develop musically. I just always push it by the wayside in lieu of lots of things I hate, mostly school. Which I only hate half the time, but still. I wish I could just not do bullshit assignments and practice banjo instead. Which I could do. But won’t.

I don’t want to talk about the election, except to say I’m heartbroken that Tim Griffin actually beat Joyce Elliott, because Joyce Elliott is the one politician I can say I believe whole-heartedly. She is the most genuine candidate I’ve ever spoken and listend to. I have the uptmost respect for her and her positions. I wish I could have voted for her. I wish she had beaten Tim Griffin. I wish people weren’t so goddamn stupid sometimes.

I should be studying so much right now! I’ve spent far too long not studying lately.

Despite Republicans and sinus infections and paper cuts, I’m still pleased with the world right now. Not sure why. But that's the best kind of happy.