surface

If you've been paying attention to my poorly-disguised complaints of the past few months, you may have gathered that I have not been enjoying my college experience thus far. Yes, I've had pleasant days and my classes are enjoyable, but, as a whole, not much to write home about, mostly because home is ten minutes away.

But.

I came to a realization today, after spending two hours on the blustery Old Main lawn with two of my favorite ladies, that I am starting to feel at home here. Home in the sense of familiarity with people, "fitting in", so to speak. Because I immediately felt familiar here, at Pomfret and the campus and everything. My surroundings were never really an issue. But socially, I've been upset. Disappointed. Frustrated. I came here with an open mind, pretty high expectations to meet new people and be intellectually stimulated and bla la lalla lalla l!!!!! So, I soon discovered a lot of the people here are not very much like me. In some ways, yes, but not on a level deeper than, "Hey, i like your shoes." "Thanks." "See you in bio." And I'm just not good with visceral relationships. I like to spill my guts and you to spill yours and they mix together in a big bowl of friendship juices and then we poop our pants laughing. Not something easily, or immediately, accomplished.

All in all, I've been feeling lonely, which isn't something new. That's how my depression manifests itself a lot of the time. But recognizing that doesn't usually make it any better. I feel isolated sometimes, and I think that was made worse by being constantly bombarded with many characteristics of human existence that I really don't care for.

My point: Today I realized that that is stupid. I have lots of people that I like who care about me. I knew that... but I understood. There's no more poetic way to put it. The people I hang out with are really great people. I have a wonderful family and close friends here in town and far away. But they're still there. And they still love me. I know this sounds angsty and more appropriate for junior high but it's taken me a while to get to this point. Again. Hopefully you're only reading this if you're someone who won't hold that against me. And if not, why are you here?



So, things are looking up. Just in time for the end of the semester. Then friends will be home and cookies will be baked and books will be read and rollercoaster tycoon will be played and winter will freeze us together.