Two Worlds

I feel like reflecting.

There's a lot floating around in my head right now, and my thoughts feel like paint splatter. But I'll go ahead with my two most recent activities of the night, Blues and the GA Media Team call.

Tonight was my fourth blues dancing class. It's gotten smaller each time since I've been, down to four tonight: Chelsea James; the instructor, Megan; Michael, a math graduate student and the lone male; and myself. I would consider us the core of the class, even before tonight. Even though there is only one guy, and even though I feel like I could be doing a better job of leading than he most the time, I really, really like blues. As far as dance goes, it's so chill. It is all about lagging. There is no rhythm, inherently. It's all whatever you and your partner are doing right then and there. And there are no specific blues moves. It's a combination of lots of other dances, but it has its own style. Whenever I've tried to explain it to people, I think it comes off very lame, something along the lines of, "Well, it's dancing to blues music, with a partner, and it's really cool...."

But it really is.

Every time Megan starts talking about "dance culture", I get kind of bashfully excited. Because I want to understand, and be a part of that, and go to competitions and meet these great people she talks about and the djs and the scene. It's terrible to be so instantly motivated. I have, what, four hours experience at this? But it is such a different world for me. My dance experience boils down to TCTTW, Charleston in AP Block, and making a fool of myself for 9th grade Woodland Cowgirls Dance Tryouts omg omg. And Pete and Michelle and I did delve pretty deeply into modern experimental dance for Einstein on the Beach (Words and Music last year). But that was still three kids who knew basically nothing about dance trying to do something edgy and bizarre and cool.

Dance is something I've always admired from a far, like rock climbing or Canada. I've never had direct experience for more than a few weeks. Now, I definitely can't say I'm not one of those people who's always wanting people to have dance parties or play better dancing music at prom. But as an art, dance is something I've only felt connected to when I'm watching Gotta Kick it Up. But blues feels so right, so within my grasp. It doesn't necessarily come easily to me; my slight tendency to be physically awkward is magnified tenfold when faced with a large mirror/physical activity/anything sexy. Blues has all of these things, and so whenever we begin class with solo blues in front of the mirror, my flexibility and fluidity go out the window. I feel like I start from square one each time. And I quickly catch up, but still. I'm fighting my un-athleticism that's haunted me since softball. Most times, this wins out. But not with blues. I have this feeling that suddenly it's going to come to me, I'm going to get it, get the pulse and the nuances and musicality that Megan is always talking about. It's already starting, on a small scale. I know it will just take time.


Then there's activism world, environmental world, Grand Aspirations and national conference calls and being accosted for vegetarianism ahhhhh. I guess what I'm feeling is this increasing sense that most people aren't as holistically connected to ideals as I am. What I mean is that I care about the environment. I think a large number, if not a majority, of my peers would agree with that statement. But the vast majority don't devote their lives to that. Which is fine. I'm not saying they should. But I do. I'm emotional, and when I get committed to someone or something, I dig in deep. So when some asshole starts picking a fight with me over how I eat, I get pretty upset, because I feel very strongly about not eating animals. It is an integral part of the person I am, because it affects me everyday and goes along with the things I care about and the activities I'm involved in. I work on gardens and Summer of Solutions and climate issues and women's empowerment because all of those things are important to me as a means of fixings the problems that I see. Vegetarianism is a part of that solution. There's no disconnect between me being involved in environmental issues and work and my dietary habits. They all stem from the same part of of who I am. There's a very good chance I'm not making sense anymore. Maybe I'm just not reacting well to the guy I met tonight who tried to argue with me about climate change, because the earth has had a much rapid change than what we're experiencing now. Except, of course, there were no people on it at that time. His response was there's nothing we can do anyway. Well, goddammit, there is something we can do about it. You can't just say "Fuck it" and doom everyone. Sorry, I can't live like that. I can't. Because I want to have kids, and I can't have kids if I'm just going to be bringing them into a world that is only going to be more poisoned and hostile and sad.

I intended this to be more about my role in GA and the national green economy scene, but that guy really got to me. And I'm frustrated because of Holly. She can't sleep with the typing. And I'm tired, too. So I guess I'll leave this at that.