daddy's ghost behind you

This weekend was not at all what I expected. I'm stunned, but it's been nice.

Walker Park Community Garden hit a bump in the road today. After the great success of our public interest meeting, we weren't exactly sure what to do next, so we made some plans and decided to dive in. Which meant gathering cardboard to lay down on our site, to start conditioning the ground during the winter, so we could get some soil that wasn't dominated by rocks and construction leftovers. But we kind of didn't consult anyone about this plan of action. I mean, we've been working on this project since August, mostly independently. So it didn't seem immediately necessary to have this (what seemed to us) minor action approved, since we had already received a letter of approval from the city.

But we were kind of wrong.

Lisa, our contact at city parks and rec and also leader of the Fayetteville Community Garden Coalition, had been communicating with Seth, one of the members of our team, since this group's inception. She's been working closely with us, but mostly through Seth. So on Friday, when she spoke to Seth about all the reasons why we shouldn't be laying down cardboard yet, she assumed we would get the message, but we didn't. So poor Katy had to tell us for her and receive all of our looks of disappointment.

The good news is, though, that the city is not halting our garden, and we now have a nice chunk of cardboard in storage. And we still have lots time and interest. But it was a damper to STILL not have something tangible to show for all of our talking. I mean, pretty much every Tuesday since mid-August we've been talking and talking and talking about this garden. Which is great. It's so much fun and so inspiring to be a part of this discussion. But I think we were all a little anxious to actually do something. I know I was.

It was also a little frustrating to hear that the city thinks we're unorganized, enough to want to shut us down! Because I think we've been doing our best. Several of have worked in community groups before, and I think we've all done a good job of being painstaking in our planning and brainstorming, being open to all the possibilities, documenting our process, and following up on our tasks. I mean, we've failed at communication lately, but that's a recent issue. Personally, I've been trying to anticipate these kinds of problems as much as possible, so I'm disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

But it's not good to dwell on. We're still alive and kickin and I'm definitely still excited.

Next task: Binder decoration.

Also a five page paper by Tuesday morning.........heeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ps: also sweet yam costume for BenFaytonetteville thanksgiving! That'll be my reward for finishing Ramayananaanananna

like a little baby at the bottom of a well

I'm sick. Head cold, chest congestion, chills, general feeling of disgustingness. I think my body is physically trying to make me procrastinate studying for my H2P exam. Which is tomorrow.... oh god.

At least my italian test is over. It was hard, but I probably got a B. I've skipped EnviSci for two days. I've had good reason, but I really need to get out of the habit.

Make me blue forever, like an island sky.

I've been really down lately. I always get depressed at the beginning of the school year. I went to the counseling center on campus, finally. That was an ordeal in itself, but my actual consultation went well. I still haven't heard from anyone about it, though. Which makes me think they don't have any openings.

I genuinely wanted to drop out of school on Saturday. I just... I hate it here sometimes. I was so excited at the beginning and I've been so disappointed. There's nothing here. I've met a couple of really awesome people, but that's it. I don't know. I always feel isolated. I've never really gotten over that. I think it's worse when I'm surrounded by people all the time.

There are just too many sad things right now.

I hope I still get to go to the Rally to restore sanity. I hope I'm well enough to even go.

bleghalkdx.

K. Time to actually study.

his face is white as february snow

I think the only thing I don't try to be open-minded about is close-mindedness.

Maybe that makes me just as bad. I don't know.

But listening to fundamental christian values, conventional toxic farming practices, and homophobia really gets to me. Really, really gets to me. Dr. Wolfe even noticed I was in a bad mood.

And if I have to hear one more thing about crossbows, deer season, or rifle descriptions, I am going to shove tofu down somebody's throat.

Holly put me in my place, though. I was complaining to her about all these things, and my frustration at being in an environmental program here rather than at Warren Wilson, Lewis & Clark, or any of the other hippie schools I applied to. But she reminded me that I have to be the pioneer. "You have to... strike!" Lots of arm movements were involved. It was really good. I was humbled.

So other than that frustrating afternoon, I got back my first exam in H2P today. I got a 97%! I was RELIEVED. I thought I did so poorly. My roommate got hers back last week and got a 101, but she prepared a lot earlier than I did. So I was nervous. But that makes me feel better about this essay due Thursday. Though I'm afraid my mind will use that as a reason to procrastinate...

And I got a 100 on my last italian quiz. Which is good because I gotta test tomorrow. I have become a believer in flashcards.

Venting done for now.

Life's evening sun
is sinking low
A few more days
and I must go

(interestingly enough, country music shares a lot of roots with these frustrating ideals. But it makes me feel so much better)