that's a long story for another night

Hallway eavesdropping make the best titles. "C'mon, shut the door. It's storytime, it's STORYTIME. You can have a cookie, you wanna cookie? C'mon." They're talking about some facebook interaction.

As always, I'm way too tired and up too late.

Maybe I really do have ADD. My mother tries to diagnose everyone, all the time, with everything. She means well, and most the time has rational basis for it, but it gets annoying after a while. But I'm starting to notice how much I'm in my own head all the time and how distracted I can become because of some very minor thing. I also seriously considered trying anti-depressants again. Not because I had a particularly low point this weekend or anything, but... I don't know. The idea came to me and I thought about it and, even though I don't want to be zombiefied, which has happened in the past, or participate in the epidemic of over-prescription running rampant in this country, I have to admit to myself that I have not given anti-depressants a serious try in several years. And they might honestly help me. I really don't know. But, then there's also the cost. At this point, I really don't want to add any extra costs onto my parents. They have way too many bills to pay, and my mom still, after three years, has not found a job. Maybe some day, but not right now.

Parts of my dreams are popping into my mind suddenly: large, old-victorian houses with extensive underground systems, undesirable neighbors, front porches, anxiety, slides.

This thanksgiving break really did make me thankful. I'm thankful that I can be honest about my not-so-picturesque first semester with some people. I still have to lie through my teeth to most of my family, which sucks, but I don't want to tell them and they don't want to hear it. But other people going through the same thing do, and so I am at least thankful for that honesty.
I'm thankful for adults who still believe that there are grander things in life still worth striving for. Who don't want to be complacent. Who don't think their lives are over.
I'm thankful for cats and dogs and all the joy they provide.
I'm thankful for pecan pie.
I'm thankful for growth in the winter, mystery berries, green onions, burning bushes, and people who like plants like I like plants.
I'm thankful for silly people and interactions that aren't at all forced. I like being genuine, but I don't always act that way because I feel the need to put on in certain situations. And it always sucks. So I'm thankful for the people who make me feel always comfortable and happy and giggly.
I'm always thankful for my family, my wonderful brothers and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and john cole who is practically a member of my family, anyway. I am more than blessed to have so many people I love live so close together.

That was cheesy and conventional. Like a microwave pizza. Which can be very delicious, if you pat the grease off.

holding, holding, holding on

I feel so behind.

Which is kind of terrible. I mean, this feeling isn’t entirely based on the internet, but lots of my feelings of being neglectful and overwhelmed stem from the mass of unread emails and facebook notifications and blog updates. Which is pretty sad.

It’s also pretty sad how madly I want to reply to emails from my bio lab teacher and confess my love. All the time. [If you could see the smileys on my quizzes, you’d understand.]

But I am pretty behind. I went to DC this weekend! And it was awesome! I mean, we actually didn’t see a whole lot of the rally. Because, if you couldn’t tell, there were a lot of people there. Like, a LOT. But they were all really nice people. Seriously, the most polite crowd I’ve ever been apart of. I still can’t get over how kind and welcoming everyone was. The mood and the signs and the feeling of, well, physically being a part of a rally made it so much fun. I am a sucker for things that make me feel like something bigger than myself. Rallies are definitely one of those things. I hadn’t been to one since November 1st, 2008., almost exactly two years earlier. That one is still my favorite. I can’t describe how that made me feel.

I’m feeling not welcome here, lately. Here, as in the U of A, pomfret, even my room sometimes. Holly is talking on the phone right now, but earlier she was trying to sleep. And I had things to do. I feel bad that I keep her up, but I also feel bad stressing myself out over that, because I have just as much right to be here as she does. That reasoning usually doesn’t make me feel better. But she’s out of the room right now, so I’m fine.

Tonight, we had our public meeting for the Walker Park Community Garden, and it was a great success! We had about fifteen or so new attendants, of different ages and backgrounds, and they all had a lot to contribute. The energy in the room was contagious. Props to Serena for making everyone comforatable right off the bat. It went very well. I’m pretty sure everyone there is going to be involved, and that makes me so happy. I have a really good feeling about the success of this project. Also, the food was absolutely delicious, so more sparkles to Serena.

With the help of some sweet antibiotics, I’m slowly getting over this nasty cold that’s been nipping at me for two weeks. Probably not the best condition to be in when spending 44 hours in a car, but hey. I didn’t die. And my cough is getting better already.

I’ve been spending a lot of time at home lately, and reflecting on that fact a lot too. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I don’t. I honestly enjoy being around my family, and being somewhere where I don’t have to wear shoes to use the bathroom or wear pants to do anything. That voice in the back of my mind keeps saying I should be having the college experience or whatever. But that’s stupid. What is that, anyway? Something that’s been constructed by countless movie and TV images trying to dictate a certain type of whatever? I hate when I get caught in that mess of pop culture product-ness that makes me disappointed for not living up to a fake standard subconsciously constructed by things I hate.

That’s to say, I love my family and my dogs and my cats and I like not wearing pants.

Lately, I’ve been mourning the fact that I wasn’t born a musical genius. I would so love to just rely on banjo and singing for everything. Which I probably couldn’t let myself do even if I were a musical genius. But I do wish I had more of a drive to develop musically. I just always push it by the wayside in lieu of lots of things I hate, mostly school. Which I only hate half the time, but still. I wish I could just not do bullshit assignments and practice banjo instead. Which I could do. But won’t.

I don’t want to talk about the election, except to say I’m heartbroken that Tim Griffin actually beat Joyce Elliott, because Joyce Elliott is the one politician I can say I believe whole-heartedly. She is the most genuine candidate I’ve ever spoken and listend to. I have the uptmost respect for her and her positions. I wish I could have voted for her. I wish she had beaten Tim Griffin. I wish people weren’t so goddamn stupid sometimes.

I should be studying so much right now! I’ve spent far too long not studying lately.

Despite Republicans and sinus infections and paper cuts, I’m still pleased with the world right now. Not sure why. But that's the best kind of happy.

his face is white as february snow

I think the only thing I don't try to be open-minded about is close-mindedness.

Maybe that makes me just as bad. I don't know.

But listening to fundamental christian values, conventional toxic farming practices, and homophobia really gets to me. Really, really gets to me. Dr. Wolfe even noticed I was in a bad mood.

And if I have to hear one more thing about crossbows, deer season, or rifle descriptions, I am going to shove tofu down somebody's throat.

Holly put me in my place, though. I was complaining to her about all these things, and my frustration at being in an environmental program here rather than at Warren Wilson, Lewis & Clark, or any of the other hippie schools I applied to. But she reminded me that I have to be the pioneer. "You have to... strike!" Lots of arm movements were involved. It was really good. I was humbled.

So other than that frustrating afternoon, I got back my first exam in H2P today. I got a 97%! I was RELIEVED. I thought I did so poorly. My roommate got hers back last week and got a 101, but she prepared a lot earlier than I did. So I was nervous. But that makes me feel better about this essay due Thursday. Though I'm afraid my mind will use that as a reason to procrastinate...

And I got a 100 on my last italian quiz. Which is good because I gotta test tomorrow. I have become a believer in flashcards.

Venting done for now.

Life's evening sun
is sinking low
A few more days
and I must go

(interestingly enough, country music shares a lot of roots with these frustrating ideals. But it makes me feel so much better)

SNUFFLEUPAGUS.

I don't know if there's much to say other than that.

I don't think we got the SoS grant. I'm pretty bummed :( That could have made a HUGE difference in our capacity for next year.

On the bright side, I introduced Scott to the joy that is Petra Cafe today.
Also there's free Breakfast for Dinner at the union tonight.
And I think I aced my Italian quiz.

We made shirts for my floor tonight. B7 BOMBSHELLS. Mine was the only black one of the bunch. Now I think we're going to watch Kung Pow.

College, anyone?

So, I'm exhausted and have a lot to do, even though it's only my first day. For this reason, while Holly sets up our new printer/scanner/copier/FAX MACHINE (holy god I can't wait), I'm going to re-post the email i just sent to my family.

I got up right on time at 8:58. I ate breakfast with Sara Tenison and a couple of friends she made, then I got on the Route 56 bus and successfully switched the Brown, which took me right to the Agri building. My first class was Environmental Science at 10:30 (not bad for a Monday morning, huh?) I sat by Nick Savin (who lost his wallet, ua id, key fob and $400 bookstore gift card this morning) and Holly, my roommate. My advisor, Dr. Wolf, teaches this class, and he was as goofy as ever. Looking at the syllabus I realized I was excited about literally all the topics we're going to cover. It was a great way to start.

Then I had like a four hour break, so I wandered to the union, where they were giving away free hotdogs! Oh boy! So I bypassed that and went inside, where I ran into Kevin Fitzgerald, whose a year older than I am and was in my forensics class (and was the murderer/my character's long lost brother in the Mousetrap, for those of you paying attention). Basically, I switched into his Italian class and then went to it an hour later. So that was exciting. My teacher is pissy but I think it'll be interesting. I've always loved the language. I learned how to say what my name is, where I'm from, and how I am. Molto bene, grazie!

So after Italiano I picked up some stuff for the drama auditions, which are on Wednesday, which I found out on Saturday. They're for the whole year... I don't know. I hope I'll do okay. It won't be too hard, just nerve wracking. I had about an hour break, where I read the book I have to have done by tomorrow morning ( page 64 out of 300 currently....). Biology was supposed to start at 3:30. Around 3:35, me and about six others realized the Science & Engineering Building is not the Science & Engineering auditorium. So we were late, but it was okay, because the class was HUGE. Really really huge. All we did was go over the syllabus, until the very end, where my sassy handicapped teacher pulled out his guitar and sang us a song about biology. His band is called Mo Brothers.

Then I booked it to the poultry science auditorium for my fellowship meeting. I still don't understand how it all works. But I think I get a stipend check... that's all I really care about right now. I missed an ice cream social for honors kids, though. That was disappointing.

Then I ate dinner with my friend Joe Sagan, who was my husband in Harvey. Dinner was delicious and conversation was lovely.

Now I'm back in my room, procrastinating and talking to Charles Denny, Dylan Holland and my roommate. We're talking about our days and watermelons. Two punk kids in Aldi were ridiculing the watermelon Charles picked out.

Yep.

Miss you!!!

full circle

Seems I'm updating monthly now, eh? I've been tracking my summer a tad bit more thoroughly on my summer of solutions blog, but I felt this needed some attention.

Man, I can't believe it's August. I move out of my house in two weeks and a day. THAT IS SO SOON. Ahhhh I remember having a conversation with Laura Florick about this in the fall of 10th grade, right before we dyed our hair. She said something about how it's so scary to go to college because it's completely unlike anything we've done in our lives up to this point. Living on our own and everything. I don't know why that's stuck with me all this time. But I still think about it.

I know I'll be fine. And I'm really genuinely excited about college. But I don't know. It's just weird to think about not living here anymore. Exciting but not exciting at the same time. It's so strange how radically different my thoughts about college are since last year. I was itching to get out of this place. Now my roots are digging in deep. But I really don't have a problem with that. I love this town the more I get involved. I love being around my family. And I like having professors who birthed some of my friends.

That's not to say I'll never leave. I'm definitely going to travel. Extensively. I might not live here again for a long time. But who knows. For once, I'm excited to not have a plan. I know where I'll be for at least the next year, and that's a-okay by me.

In other news, I'm having a great hair day.


Also, friends are back in town! Kelsey and Quinn (and even Rory, briefly) have returned from parts unknown, aka Europe. Pete & Cody are back in Fayetteville. Jordan is home, sort of. Maybe still in Georgia on vacation. But at least not in Conway. I like having people nice and close, at least for two more weeks! Blkw;aklala..... I hate saying goodbye.

But.

I'm ready to sleep.

rants: college & sarah jessica parker

I'm feeling absolutely hopeless.
I really got my hopes up about Lewis & Clark. But their financial aid award is about 20,000 dollars less than I can afford. Seriously. 100% demonstrated need my butt. My family hasn't been making ends meet for three years. How the hell do you expect me to be able to afford that much?
Hampshire's package isn't much better. And I had given up on Warren Wilson already.

So basically I have no options. I'm still considering applying to Portland State, but they take six to eight weeks to reach an admission decision.

I refuse to go to the U of A. I know how much of an asshole I sound like, but I would rather not go to college. At least not next year. I can't keep living here. I know I'm going to hate it. Everyone I've talked to this year (the real people, not the creepy creep fellows) has told me how much they regret staying here. And it hasn't gotten any better, not for this entire year. I have to go somewhere else. I don't even care what I do. I have to get out.

Second:
They're making, or I guess I should say they've made, a sequel to the Sex in the City movie. The first one dragged on for nearly three hours. I never saw it, but fans and non-fans of the series both told me it was excruciatingly dull and lacked the charm of the TV version.

It is beyond me why they feel the need to make another one. I am so tired of these women. Yeah, yeah. You like clothes and you're bad a relationships only now you're old. No one cares. It's all crass and tacky and pretend-witty. Seriously.

Sarah Jessica Parker needs to move on to mature roles. Or perhaps just out of show business.

I can't believe this is how I occupy my time.

I've had better days.