holding, holding, holding on

I feel so behind.

Which is kind of terrible. I mean, this feeling isn’t entirely based on the internet, but lots of my feelings of being neglectful and overwhelmed stem from the mass of unread emails and facebook notifications and blog updates. Which is pretty sad.

It’s also pretty sad how madly I want to reply to emails from my bio lab teacher and confess my love. All the time. [If you could see the smileys on my quizzes, you’d understand.]

But I am pretty behind. I went to DC this weekend! And it was awesome! I mean, we actually didn’t see a whole lot of the rally. Because, if you couldn’t tell, there were a lot of people there. Like, a LOT. But they were all really nice people. Seriously, the most polite crowd I’ve ever been apart of. I still can’t get over how kind and welcoming everyone was. The mood and the signs and the feeling of, well, physically being a part of a rally made it so much fun. I am a sucker for things that make me feel like something bigger than myself. Rallies are definitely one of those things. I hadn’t been to one since November 1st, 2008., almost exactly two years earlier. That one is still my favorite. I can’t describe how that made me feel.

I’m feeling not welcome here, lately. Here, as in the U of A, pomfret, even my room sometimes. Holly is talking on the phone right now, but earlier she was trying to sleep. And I had things to do. I feel bad that I keep her up, but I also feel bad stressing myself out over that, because I have just as much right to be here as she does. That reasoning usually doesn’t make me feel better. But she’s out of the room right now, so I’m fine.

Tonight, we had our public meeting for the Walker Park Community Garden, and it was a great success! We had about fifteen or so new attendants, of different ages and backgrounds, and they all had a lot to contribute. The energy in the room was contagious. Props to Serena for making everyone comforatable right off the bat. It went very well. I’m pretty sure everyone there is going to be involved, and that makes me so happy. I have a really good feeling about the success of this project. Also, the food was absolutely delicious, so more sparkles to Serena.

With the help of some sweet antibiotics, I’m slowly getting over this nasty cold that’s been nipping at me for two weeks. Probably not the best condition to be in when spending 44 hours in a car, but hey. I didn’t die. And my cough is getting better already.

I’ve been spending a lot of time at home lately, and reflecting on that fact a lot too. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I don’t. I honestly enjoy being around my family, and being somewhere where I don’t have to wear shoes to use the bathroom or wear pants to do anything. That voice in the back of my mind keeps saying I should be having the college experience or whatever. But that’s stupid. What is that, anyway? Something that’s been constructed by countless movie and TV images trying to dictate a certain type of whatever? I hate when I get caught in that mess of pop culture product-ness that makes me disappointed for not living up to a fake standard subconsciously constructed by things I hate.

That’s to say, I love my family and my dogs and my cats and I like not wearing pants.

Lately, I’ve been mourning the fact that I wasn’t born a musical genius. I would so love to just rely on banjo and singing for everything. Which I probably couldn’t let myself do even if I were a musical genius. But I do wish I had more of a drive to develop musically. I just always push it by the wayside in lieu of lots of things I hate, mostly school. Which I only hate half the time, but still. I wish I could just not do bullshit assignments and practice banjo instead. Which I could do. But won’t.

I don’t want to talk about the election, except to say I’m heartbroken that Tim Griffin actually beat Joyce Elliott, because Joyce Elliott is the one politician I can say I believe whole-heartedly. She is the most genuine candidate I’ve ever spoken and listend to. I have the uptmost respect for her and her positions. I wish I could have voted for her. I wish she had beaten Tim Griffin. I wish people weren’t so goddamn stupid sometimes.

I should be studying so much right now! I’ve spent far too long not studying lately.

Despite Republicans and sinus infections and paper cuts, I’m still pleased with the world right now. Not sure why. But that's the best kind of happy.

like a little baby at the bottom of a well

I'm sick. Head cold, chest congestion, chills, general feeling of disgustingness. I think my body is physically trying to make me procrastinate studying for my H2P exam. Which is tomorrow.... oh god.

At least my italian test is over. It was hard, but I probably got a B. I've skipped EnviSci for two days. I've had good reason, but I really need to get out of the habit.

Make me blue forever, like an island sky.

I've been really down lately. I always get depressed at the beginning of the school year. I went to the counseling center on campus, finally. That was an ordeal in itself, but my actual consultation went well. I still haven't heard from anyone about it, though. Which makes me think they don't have any openings.

I genuinely wanted to drop out of school on Saturday. I just... I hate it here sometimes. I was so excited at the beginning and I've been so disappointed. There's nothing here. I've met a couple of really awesome people, but that's it. I don't know. I always feel isolated. I've never really gotten over that. I think it's worse when I'm surrounded by people all the time.

There are just too many sad things right now.

I hope I still get to go to the Rally to restore sanity. I hope I'm well enough to even go.

bleghalkdx.

K. Time to actually study.

humdinger

This weekend was a pleasant surprise.

Friday was very enjoyable but long. Pete & I stayed up till at least three just talking. Which was wonderful like always and I get choked up even thinking about how soon we won't be able to do that anymore but ANYWAY my mom woke up at nine the next morning and told me we were visiting Nana and Papa for their anniversary. Now, I would have been perfectly fine about this, but because a) I was exhausted and woken suddenly and b) I had already passed up the chance to go out of town this weekend and was really looking forward to being at home and c) I woke up with serious nasal congestion, I was a sourpuss most of the day. It didn't help that there wasn't much I could eat and that we had to look at my aunt's vacation photos for like 45 minutes.

Being grumpy and inactive the whole day kind of spoiled my mood for Brown Girls sleepover that night, but it was still a lot of fun. Pretty typical for us: Talking, playing with Keeno, eating, Nancy Drew through the woods, drive-by Warehouse visit (Surf de Soleil show omgzzz), dress-up, picture-takin' and a movie. It's weird thinking about how little I'll actually see them this year. Shmeh. Don't want to think about it. I'll just focus on the good parts. Like watching Teeth. heh heh heh.

This morning i was still really tired and really sniffly. Banah and I took another hour ciesta before she drove me home. I slept, watched tv with scott and dad and then slept somemore. So I was pretty much a sloth the whole day, but I needed it. I'm still pretty damn tired. Just having all this pressure in my head makes me perpetually tired.

BUT I AM FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE.
Here are the good parts of my day:
-Spending time with my family
-Going to yoga (even though it was a huge class and not up to the Joy Caffrey/Mark Cain standards I'm used to)
-Talking to friends
-homemade tofu fajitas :D
-Having a full-on religion discussion with a random boy I met in the laundry room. I was still feeling pretty pissy when I first went in there, because I was sitting by myself doing my homework, feeling stuffed up, and the other people were sitting together at a table, talking, (eating their Wonderbread sandwiches lolz jk). But then Mom brought me those yummy fajitas and I sat down at the table and started talking to a friendly boy named Connor. We were just talking about lots of things, including church, and somehow I was telling him exactly what I think. I totally judged him at first, too, because he was wearing a cross necklace. I thought he'd really disagree and get offended, but seemed to agree with a lot of what I said. We found a lot of common ground. And even though I was explaining a lot, it didn't feel like one of those governor's school conversations you have where you feel like you're trying to censor yourself or something. It was really nice, and came out of nowhere. And he was pretty cute, too. I guess that's one of those MEMORIES I'LL HAVE FOREVER BECAUSE COLLEGE.

But really, it was nice. I didn't get much homework done, but that's fine by me.

Now I'm going to sleep because my mucus has turned from clear to yellow, meaning I have an infection! Delicious, hmm? And all cold medicines have ceased to help me whatsoever, so I'm just gonna have to sleep it off. Also I need to be in tip-top condition for tomorrow. Scott and I are having a lunch date! He asked me too. I can't believe he's so big.

I'm vowing to be better at this blogging business. I think I'll appreciate it later on. Also Eddie told me i should blog today and I said I had one but realized it doesn't really count if I don't update.

Buona notte! (First Italian quiz tomorrow. Wish me luck.)